Self-Forgiveness and Guilt

About forgiving yourself and letting go of guilt

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What is self-forgiveness?
• Guilt versus shame
• Healthy guilt
• Why it’s so hard to forgive yourself
• Why self-forgiveness matters
• What self-forgiveness is not
• The four Rs of self-forgiveness
• Self-compassion
• Making amends
• Writing to yourself
• Forgiving yourself for small things
• Living with regret
• When others are involved
• Forgiveness in spiritual traditions
• A simple 30-day plan
• How self-help methods fit in
• FAQs

What is self-forgiveness?

Self-forgiveness is the process of letting go of ongoing self-blame and resentment towards yourself, while still accepting responsibility for what happened. Researchers Laura Hall and Frank Fincham describe it as a shift away from avoiding or punishing yourself, towards goodwill and acceptance. [2] It’s not about pretending something didn’t matter. It’s about learning from it and choosing to move forward. You can explore related topics in our Wellness hub, including anger and resentment, self-esteem and self-love.

Guilt versus shame

Guilt and shame are often used as if they mean the same thing, but researchers see an important difference. Guilt focuses on a behaviour: “I did something bad.” Shame focuses on the self: “I am bad.” Psychologist June Tangney and colleagues found that guilt tends to lead people towards apologising and making amends, while shame is more likely to lead to hiding, withdrawing or blaming others. [3] Brené Brown describes the same distinction in her work, and her interview on guilt and shame is in Videos. Noticing whether you’re feeling guilt or shame is a powerful first step. Turning “I’m a terrible person” into “I did something I regret” makes change feel possible.

Healthy guilt

Guilt has a useful job. It tells you that something you did doesn’t fit your values, and it nudges you to put it right. Healthy guilt is in proportion to what happened, focuses on behaviour, and fades once you’ve learned from it and made amends where possible. Unhelpful guilt is out of proportion, lingers long after amends have been made, or is about things that weren’t really your responsibility. If you feel guilty for things outside your control, such as another person’s choices or an accident, it may help to ask, “What part of this was actually mine?”

Why it’s so hard to forgive yourself

Many people find it easier to forgive others than themselves. You may feel you don’t deserve forgiveness, or worry that letting go would mean you don’t care. Some people believe that punishing themselves will keep them from repeating the mistake. Others grew up with harsh criticism and learned to speak to themselves the same way. Perfectionism can also make every mistake feel unforgivable. Recognising these patterns, with kindness, helps loosen their grip. If old mistakes leave you feeling like a fraud, our guide to imposter syndrome may help.

Why self-forgiveness matters

Research suggests self-forgiveness is linked with wellbeing. A meta-analysis by Don Davis and colleagues found that self-forgiveness was moderately linked with better psychological wellbeing and with better physical health. [4] Forgiving yourself can also help you do better next time. In a study by Michael Wohl and colleagues, students who forgave themselves for procrastinating before one exam procrastinated less before the next one. [5] Self-forgiveness frees up energy that would otherwise go into self-blame, so you can put it into growth and repair.

What self-forgiveness is not

• It isn’t excusing. You can forgive yourself and still say what you did was wrong.
• It isn’t forgetting. You remember, but the memory loses its sting.
• It isn’t avoiding responsibility. Healthy self-forgiveness includes owning what happened.
• It isn’t a one-off. It’s often a process that takes time, and feelings may come back now and then.

The four Rs of self-forgiveness

Counsellors Marilyn Cornish and Nathaniel Wade describe a four-step model that many people find helpful. [1]

1. Responsibility. Honestly acknowledge what you did and its effects, without minimising or exaggerating.
2. Remorse. Allow yourself to feel genuine regret, as guilt rather than shame.
3. Restoration. Make amends where you can, and recommit to your values.
4. Renewal. Treat yourself with compassion and respect, and move forward with what you’ve learned.

You can work through these steps in a journal, with a trusted friend or with a counsellor. Some people come back to them several times for the same event, and that’s perfectly normal. A meta-analysis by Nathaniel Wade and colleagues found that structured forgiveness programmes increased forgiveness and also improved depression, anxiety and hope. [6]

Self-compassion

Self-compassion is one of the most helpful foundations for self-forgiveness. Research by Mark Leary and colleagues found that people who treated themselves kindly after unpleasant events took responsibility for their part while feeling less upset. [7] Kristin Neff describes three parts: kindness towards yourself, common humanity (remembering that everyone makes mistakes) and mindfulness (noticing your feelings without exaggerating them). [8] Her short guided practice, “Soften, Soothe, Allow”, is in Videos, and the free Self-Compassion Break from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good in Action takes about five minutes. Christopher Germer’s talk on self-compassion as an antidote to shame is also well worth watching.

Making amends

If your actions affected someone else, making amends can be a meaningful part of forgiving yourself. That might be a sincere apology, an honest conversation, repairing something, or simply changing how you behave from now on. A good apology names what you did, acknowledges its effect, expresses regret and offers to put it right, without excuses. Sometimes direct amends aren’t possible, for example if someone has passed away or contact wouldn’t be welcome. In that case, a “living amends”, such as volunteering, kindness to others or a letter you don’t send, can be just as healing. Our guide to rebuilding trust explores repair within relationships.

Writing to yourself

A self-compassionate letter is a simple but powerful exercise. Imagine a wise, loving friend who knows everything about what happened and understands you completely. Write a letter to yourself from that friend’s point of view. What would they say about the situation, your feelings and what you can learn? Read it back slowly. You can find a guided version on Greater Good in Action. Many people find that writing helps feelings feel clearer and lighter.

Forgiving yourself for small things

Self-forgiveness isn’t only for big mistakes. It also helps with the everyday things we beat ourselves up about: missing a workout, snapping at a loved one, putting off a task or eating something we planned not to. The procrastination study above shows that letting go of self-blame can actually make it easier to do better next time. [5] Try a simple phrase such as “That didn’t go how I wanted. I forgive myself, and I’ll try again tomorrow.” Our guides to procrastination and bad habits have more ideas.

Living with regret

Some regrets are about paths not taken: a career, a relationship, time not spent with someone. These can be especially hard because there is nothing to repair. It can help to remember that you made the best choice you could with what you knew and felt at the time. You can also honour a regret by letting it guide you now, for example by reaching out to people you love, or trying something you’ve long wanted to do. If your regret is tied to someone who has died, our guide to grief and loss may help, and our guide to letting go of the past has more ways to make peace with what has happened.

When others are involved

Self-forgiveness and forgiving others often go hand in hand. Psychologist Everett Worthington, whose TEDx talk is in Videos, developed the REACH model of forgiveness and has written about forgiving yourself as well as others. Stanford’s Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, explains what forgiveness is in another video. If someone else hurt you, our guides to anger and resentment and setting boundaries may help.

Forgiveness in spiritual traditions

Forgiveness is central to many faiths and spiritual paths. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism and Sikhism all speak of repentance, mercy or compassion. In Hawaiian tradition, Ho’oponopono uses four simple phrases, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”, to bring peace and reconciliation. Buddhist loving-kindness meditation includes wishing yourself well alongside others. Many people find that drawing on their own tradition gives self-forgiveness extra depth and meaning.

A simple 30-day plan

Week 1: Notice. Write down what you feel guilty about. Mark each one as guilt (about an action) or shame (about yourself).

Week 2: Take responsibility. Choose one event and write about what happened honestly, including what was and wasn’t yours.

Week 3: Repair. Make one amends, direct or living, and write a self-compassionate letter.

Week 4: Renew. Practise a self-compassion break each day and write down one value you’ll live by from now on.

How self-help methods fit in

Ho’oponopono offers a simple daily forgiveness practice. The Work helps you question thoughts such as “I should have known better”. Inner child work brings understanding to the younger you who made a mistake, and mindfulness and meditation help you hold guilt with kindness. The Sedona Method and EFT tapping are popular for releasing the emotional charge of painful memories. You can see every method we cover in the full list above.

Frequently asked questions

What is self-forgiveness?

Letting go of ongoing self-blame while still accepting responsibility for what happened. [2]

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

Guilt is about a behaviour (“I did something bad”). Shame is about the self (“I am bad”). Guilt is more likely to lead to making amends. [3]

How do I forgive myself?

Many people find the four Rs helpful: responsibility, remorse, restoration and renewal. [1]

Is self-forgiveness good for you?

Research links self-forgiveness with better psychological wellbeing and physical health. [4]

Does forgiving myself mean I’m letting myself off the hook?

No. Healthy self-forgiveness includes owning what you did and making amends where you can.

Can forgiving myself help me change?

Yes. Students who forgave themselves for procrastinating procrastinated less before their next exam. [5]

What are the four Ho’oponopono phrases?

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”

The best videos on forgiving yourself and letting go of guilt

Hand-picked and checked one by one: 60 Minutes, TEDx, Christopher Germer, Kristin Neff and the Institute of Noetic Sciences.

Guilt, shame and self-compassion

Stories of self-forgiveness

Forgiveness and practice

Books on forgiving yourself and letting go of guilt

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

If guilt or shame feels overwhelming or is linked with trauma or grief, a counsellor or your doctor can help.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Cornish & Wade (2015), A therapeutic model of self-forgiveness with intervention strategies for counselors, Journal of Counseling & Development 93(1):96-104
2. Hall & Fincham (2005), Self-forgiveness: the stepchild of forgiveness research, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 24(5):621-637
3. Tangney, Stuewig & Mashek (2007), Moral emotions and moral behavior, Annual Review of Psychology 58:345-372
4. Davis et al. (2015), Forgiving the self and physical and mental health correlates: a meta-analytic review, Journal of Counseling Psychology 62(2):329-335
5. Wohl, Pychyl & Bennett (2010), I forgive myself, now I can study: how self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination, Personality and Individual Differences 48(7):803-808
6. Wade et al. (2014), Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82(1):154-170
7. Leary et al. (2007), Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: the implications of treating oneself kindly, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92(5):887-904
8. Neff (2023), Self-compassion: theory, method, research, and intervention, Annual Review of Psychology 74:193-218

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 3 November 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.