Letting Go of the Past

About letting go of the past

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What does letting go mean?
• Why the past feels so sticky
• Reflection versus rumination
• Signs you’re holding on
• Acceptance
• Write it out
• Step back from the memory
• Feel it to heal it
• Letting go of grudges
• Letting go of regret
• Letting go of people and relationships
• Letting go of who you used to be
• Finding meaning
• Living in the present
• Letting-go rituals
• A simple 30-day plan
• How self-help methods fit in
• FAQs

What does letting go mean?

Letting go of the past means releasing the emotional grip of something that has already happened, so it no longer controls how you feel, think or act today. It isn’t forgetting, pretending it didn’t matter or excusing anyone. It’s making peace with the fact that the past can’t be changed, and choosing where to put your energy now. Some people let go of a painful event. Others let go of a relationship, a regret, a grudge, an old version of themselves or a dream that didn’t come true. You can explore related topics in our Wellness hub, including grief and loss, trauma recovery and self-forgiveness.

Why the past feels so sticky

Our brains are built to learn from experience, especially experiences that felt threatening, painful or unfair. Going over what happened is a natural attempt to understand it and protect ourselves in future. Memories linked with strong emotion also tend to be more vivid, so they come back more easily. Unfinished business, such as words not said or questions with no answer, can keep a memory feeling “open”. Seeing this as your mind trying to help, rather than a personal failing, makes it easier to approach the past with kindness.

Reflection versus rumination

Thinking about the past isn’t always a problem. Psychologist Edward Watkins describes how repetitive thinking can be helpful when it is concrete and focused on solving problems or making sense of things, and unhelpful when it is abstract, judgemental and stuck on “Why did this happen to me?” [4] Susan Nolen-Hoeksema and colleagues showed that this stuck kind of thinking, called rumination, tends to keep low mood going. [5] A helpful test is to ask, “Am I learning something new, or going round in circles?” If it’s circles, it’s time to gently change tack. Our guide to overthinking has many practical tools.

Signs you’re holding on

• Replaying a conversation or event again and again.
• Feeling a rush of anger, sadness or shame when it comes to mind, even years later.
• Comparing your present life with how it “should have been”.
• Avoiding people, places or activities that remind you of it.
• Telling the same story about it in the same way, with the same feelings.
• Finding it hard to trust, try new things or enjoy good moments.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often the turning point. It means acknowledging what happened and how you feel about it, without fighting reality. It doesn’t mean liking it or approving of it. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) builds on this idea, combining acceptance and mindfulness with action guided by your values. A meta-analysis of 39 trials found ACT helpful across a range of mental and physical health difficulties. [3] Tara Brach’s idea of “radical acceptance” and Eckhart Tolle’s teaching on accepting the present moment offer similar wisdom from a spiritual angle. A simple phrase to try is: “This happened. I wish it hadn’t. And I can still choose what I do next.”

Write it out

Psychologist James Pennebaker found that people who wrote about their deepest thoughts and feelings about difficult experiences for 15 to 20 minutes over three or four days often showed improvements in health and wellbeing in the months that followed. [1] Writing seems to help people turn a jumble of feelings into a story that makes sense. Sonja Lyubomirsky and colleagues found that writing or talking about a negative experience improved wellbeing more than just thinking about it privately. [6] Try writing about what happened, how it affected you and what you’ve learned. You can keep it, share it or tear it up.

Step back from the memory

Ethan Kross and Özlem Ayduk found that when people looked back at painful experiences from a distance, like a fly on the wall watching the scene, they were able to make sense of them with less distress than when they relived them in the first person. [2] Talking to yourself using your own name or “you” rather than “I” is another form of distancing that helps calm emotional reactions. [7] Kross explains these tools in his TED talk in Videos. You might ask, “What would I say to a friend who went through this?”

Feel it to heal it

Sometimes we can’t let go because we’ve never fully let ourselves feel what happened. Pushing feelings away can make them hang around longer. Making space to feel sadness, anger or disappointment, safely and with kindness, often allows them to move through and soften. Methods such as the Sedona Method invite you to welcome a feeling and then ask, “Could I let this go?” EFT tapping and Havening are popular for easing the emotional charge of specific memories. Our guide to emotional repression explores this further.

Letting go of grudges

Holding a grudge can feel like protection, but it often keeps the hurt alive. Forgiveness is one way through. It isn’t excusing what happened or reconciling with the person. It’s choosing to release your own resentment for the sake of your peace. A meta-analysis of forgiveness programmes found they increased forgiveness and also reduced depression and anxiety. [8] Ho’oponopono offers a simple daily forgiveness practice. Our guide to anger and resentment has more ideas, and if a relationship involved control or abuse, our guide to healing from narcissistic abuse may help.

Letting go of regret

Regret often comes with “if only”. It can help to remember that you made the best decision you could with the knowledge, feelings and resources you had at the time. Hindsight gives information you didn’t have then. Ask what the regret is teaching you about your values, and how you can honour that now. If the regret involves something you did, our guide to self-forgiveness and guilt walks you through taking responsibility, making amends and moving on.

Letting go of people and relationships

Letting go of a relationship, whether a partner, friend or family member, can be one of the hardest kinds of letting go. It often involves grief for the person, for shared plans and for who you were together. Give yourself time, lean on supportive people and limit checking up on them online. Antonio Pascual-Leone’s TEDx talk on getting over the end of a relationship is a helpful listen, and our guides to heartbreak and breakups and divorce and separation have more support.

Letting go of who you used to be

Sometimes the past we hold onto is an old version of ourselves: a younger body, a former career, a role that ended or a life before illness, children or a move. It’s natural to grieve these changes. It can help to notice what you still carry forward from that version of you, such as skills, values and memories, and what new possibilities the present offers. Many people find that letting go of an old identity makes space for a more authentic one.

Finding meaning

Many people find that difficult experiences, over time, become part of a story of growth. You might notice new strengths, deeper relationships, greater compassion or a clearer sense of what matters. This doesn’t mean the experience was good, or that you have to be grateful for it. It means you can choose to let it shape you in ways you value. Our guide to overcoming obstacles explores resilience and growth after hard times, and our guide to life purpose and meaning can help you look ahead.

Living in the present

Letting go is easier when there’s something to come back to. Harvard researchers Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert found that people’s minds wander from what they’re doing almost half the time, and that people tended to be less happy when their minds wandered. [9] Mindfulness, grounding exercises and absorbing activities all help bring attention back to now. Eckhart Tolle’s talks on living in the present, in Videos, have helped many people loosen their grip on the past. Our guide to inner peace and spiritual growth has more practices for a calmer mind.

Letting-go rituals

Symbolic acts can help mark a turning point. People around the world use rituals such as writing a letter and burning it safely, releasing a leaf into a stream, clearing out objects linked with the past, planting something new or marking an anniversary with an act of kindness. Choose something that feels meaningful to you. A ritual won’t erase feelings, but it can signal to your mind that you’re ready for a new chapter.

A simple 30-day plan

Week 1: Notice. Each time the past pulls you in, note what triggered it and whether you’re reflecting or ruminating.

Week 2: Process. Try expressive writing for 15 minutes on three or four days. Practise looking back from a fly-on-the-wall view.

Week 3: Release. Try a letting-go practice such as the Sedona Method or Ho’oponopono each day.

Week 4: Look ahead. Write down three values you want to live by, and take one small step towards each.

How self-help methods fit in

The Sedona Method and Ho’oponopono offer simple daily practices for releasing feelings and making peace. Time Line Therapy and the Presence Process work with how past experiences shape the present. Mindfulness helps you return to the present moment, and inner child work offers comfort to the younger you who went through hard times. You can see every method we cover in the full list above.

Frequently asked questions

What does letting go of the past mean?

Releasing the emotional grip of something that has already happened, so it no longer controls how you feel and act today. It doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing it.

Why can’t I stop thinking about the past?

Your brain is trying to make sense of it and protect you. When thinking becomes repetitive and stuck, it’s called rumination, which tends to keep low mood going. [5]

Does writing about the past help?

Yes. Writing about difficult experiences for a few days has been linked with better health and wellbeing. [1]

How do I stop reliving painful memories?

Try looking back from a fly-on-the-wall view, using your own name when you think about it, and grounding yourself in the present. [2]

Is letting go the same as forgiving?

Not always. Forgiveness is one way of letting go, but you can let go of a regret, a dream or an old identity without anyone to forgive.

How long does it take to let go of the past?

It varies. Small things may ease in days. Big losses and hurts can take months or longer, and feelings may return now and then. Each step counts.

What methods help with letting go?

Popular options include the Sedona Method, Ho’oponopono, Time Line Therapy, mindfulness, EFT tapping and inner child work.

The best videos on letting go of the past

Hand-picked and checked one by one: TED, TEDx, Eckhart Tolle, the Sedona Method, Rick and Forrest Hanson and Therapy in a Nutshell.

Talks on letting go

Breaking the rumination loop

Presence and release

Books on letting go of the past

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

If the past involves trauma or memories that feel overwhelming, a counsellor or your doctor can help.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Pennebaker (1997), Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process, Psychological Science 8(3):162-166
2. Kross & Ayduk (2011), Making meaning out of negative experiences by self-distancing, Current Directions in Psychological Science 20(3):187-191
3. A-Tjak et al. (2015), A meta-analysis of the efficacy of acceptance and commitment therapy for clinically relevant mental and physical health problems, Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics 84(1):30-36
4. Watkins (2008), Constructive and unconstructive repetitive thought, Psychological Bulletin 134(2):163-206
5. Nolen-Hoeksema, Wisco & Lyubomirsky (2008), Rethinking rumination, Perspectives on Psychological Science 3(5):400-424
6. Lyubomirsky, Sousa & Dickerhoof (2006), The costs and benefits of writing, talking, and thinking about life’s triumphs and defeats, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 90(4):692-708
7. Kross et al. (2014), Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: how you do it matters, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 106(2):304-324
8. Wade et al. (2014), Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82(1):154-170
9. Killingsworth & Gilbert (2010), A wandering mind is an unhappy mind, Science 330(6006):932

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 3 November 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.