Heartbreak can hurt in a way that feels physical. You may not sleep, eat or think straight, and that is normal. It does ease with time. There are many ways to help it along, from tapping and sound to writing, self-compassion and no contact. Pick what’s going on for you and we’ll show you where to start.
What’s going on for you?
Three steps for the first raw days.
- Step 1 · Calm the shock
EFT Tapping
Tap along on the ache, the panic or the disbelief. About ten minutes.
- Step 2 · Don’t be alone with it
Everyday self-care
Call a friend, eat something simple, and skip the drink. Ask for company tonight if you need it.
- Step 3 · Get through the night
Sound Healing
A soft sound bath recording, lights low, phone out of reach. More ideas in our sleep hub.
Not quite right? See every method for heartbreak and breakups
Missing them is not a sign you should go back.
- Step 1 · Close the door for now
No contact
Mute or unfollow, move their messages out of sight, and stop checking their profiles.
- Step 2 · Remember the whole picture
Remembering the whole picture
Write a short list of what didn’t work. Read it when you start to idealise them.
- Step 3 · Tap through the pull
Thought Field Therapy
A short tapping sequence for the wave of longing.
Not quite right? See every method for heartbreak and breakups
A breakup can feel like a verdict on you. It isn’t.
- Step 1 · Talk to yourself like a friend
Self-compassion
What would you say to a friend in your place? Say it to yourself.
- Step 2 · Change the belief
Theta Healing
Find and replace beliefs such as “everyone leaves”.
- Step 3 · Meet your younger self
Inner Child Healing
Comfort the part of you that learned early to fear being left.
Not quite right? See every method for heartbreak and breakups
For when you want to understand the pattern and break it.
- Step 1 · Write the story
Expressive writing
Twenty minutes on what happened and what you learned. Stop if it turns into brooding.
- Step 2 · Notice your part
Shadow Work
Look honestly at what you hid, ignored or put up with, without blame.
- Step 3 · Break old family patterns
The Hoffman Process
A week-long course on the habits we learn from our parents.
Not quite right? See every method for heartbreak and breakups
Every method for heartbreak and breakups
Many alternative methods haven’t been studied much yet. That doesn’t mean they can’t help; it means there’s less evidence so far.
Tapping, sound & energy work
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EFT Tapping
Tap on acupressure points while naming a feeling; a 2025 review of trials found it a promising add-on for anxiety. [13] Full guide
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Thought Field Therapy
Problem-specific tapping sequences designed to reset an emotional reaction in minutes.
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The Emotion Code
Identify and release ‘trapped emotions’ using muscle testing and a magnet.
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Sound Healing
Bowls, gongs and voice to help you rest; listening to music probably improves sleep quality. [14]
Inner work, beliefs & patterns
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Inner Child Healing
Reconnect with and re-parent your younger self to heal old wounds.
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Shadow Work
Meet and integrate the parts of yourself you’ve learned to hide or reject.
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Theta Healing
A meditative process for finding and replacing limiting beliefs.
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The Hoffman Process
A seven-day residential course for breaking patterns learned in childhood; low mood stayed lower a year on in one study. [15]
Writing, thinking & self-care
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Expressive writing
Write about what happened and how it felt. It helps some people, but not those who tend to brood. [8]
Everyday practice
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Remembering the whole picture
When you idealise your ex, recall what didn’t work. It can ease love feelings, at a short-term cost to mood. [12]
Everyday practice
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Self-compassion
Treat yourself as kindly as you would a friend; it predicted faster recovery after divorce. [10]
Everyday practice
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No contact
Step back from contact and from checking their social media; watching an ex online is linked with more distress. [11]
Everyday practice
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Everyday self-care
Friends, food, sleep, plans you keep and less alcohol. Simple, and it matters. [1]
Everyday practice
More methods with their own hub and guide
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Mindfulness
Paying attention to thoughts, feelings and sensations as they arise, without judging them. Courses based on it show modest benefits for stress, anxiety and preventing depression relapse. People use it to sit with painful feelings and break the loop of replaying the breakup. Full guide
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CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)
A structured talking therapy that works on unhelpful thoughts and behaviours. It is one of the best-studied therapies, with the strongest support for anxiety disorders, depression, anger and general stress. A therapist can help with the thought loops and low mood that can follow a breakup. Full guide
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Havening
Gentle self-touch while you recall a memory, aimed at easing stress and painful memories. Research is early: small studies, many involving its developers. Some people use it when a memory of the breakup keeps stinging. Full guide
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The Work (Byron Katie)
Write down a stressful judgement, test it with four questions, then “turn it around”. Research is promising but small and mostly uncontrolled. People use it to question painful thoughts such as “I’ll never be loved again”. Full guide
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Sedona Method
A short series of questions, such as “Could I let this feeling go?”. Independent research is very limited. People use it to let a wave of feeling pass instead of pushing it away. Full guide
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Ho’oponopono
Traditionally a Hawaiian family process for repairing relationships; today also a four-phrase mantra. Direct research is very limited. People use it to work on forgiveness and letting go. It will not repair a relationship on its own. Full guide
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Somatic Experiencing
A body-focused trauma therapy led by a trained practitioner. Research is promising but preliminary, and major PTSD guidelines do not recommend it first-line. Some people explore it if a breakup has left their body on high alert. Full guide
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Relaxation
Simple skills, such as slow breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, that switch down the body’s stress response. People use these skills for the tension and poor sleep that heartbreak often brings. Full guide
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Yoga
Postures, breathing and relaxation practices. Research shows benefits for stress, anxiety and pain. Some people use gentle yoga to move stress through the body. Full guide
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Hypnosis
Focused attention and openness to suggestion, used by trained clinicians. Its best evidence is for irritable bowel syndrome and pain, not for relationship problems. Some people try it for sleep or calm during a hard time. It is not a treatment for heartbreak. Full guide
Conventional routes
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Talking therapy
A qualified therapist can help you make sense of what happened and what you want next. Search a directory in your country (the Get help tab has links), or ask your doctor or local health service. [1]
Support option
Learn more
About heartbreak and breakups
What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:
- Why heartbreak hurts so much
- Grief and the “stages”
- How long does it take?
- No contact, and why it helps
- Writing it out, the honest version
- Self-compassion and self-care
- When to see a doctor
- Conventional help
- FAQs
Why heartbreak hurts so much
“Heartache” is not just a figure of speech. In a 2011 brain-scan study, 40 people who had been through an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their ex. Areas linked to the physical feeling of pain became active, much as they did when heat was applied to their arm. [2] A later analysis by some of the same team found the brain patterns for rejection and for physical pain are not identical, even though they sit in the same regions. [3] So the pain is real, but it is its own kind of pain.
Another small study scanned 15 people who had recently been rejected but were still in love. Looking at their ex lit up the brain’s reward and craving systems, the same systems involved in addiction. [4] That may help explain the urge to check their profile or send one more message. The same study offers some hope: the longer it had been since the breakup, the less active an area linked to attachment was. [4]
A breakup is also a huge stress on the body. Psychologists quoted by the American Heart Association say it can affect sleep and raise the risk of anxiety and low mood, and some people get intrusive thoughts a little like post-traumatic stress. [1]
Grief and the “stages”
The end of a relationship is a real loss, and grief is a natural response to it. [5] You may have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They come from the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who first wrote about people facing death. [5]
It’s worth knowing their limits. Even supporters say the stages describe common feelings rather than a set order; you may move in and out of them. [5] Grief researcher Margaret Stroebe goes further: she says there is no sound research showing that people move through fixed stages, and that expecting them can make people who don’t feel them think they are grieving wrongly. [6] Her own model describes moving back and forth between facing the loss and getting on with new things, including taking time off from the pain. [6]
So if you feel fine on Tuesday and wrecked on Wednesday, nothing is wrong with you. That swing is what grief usually looks like.
How long does it take?
There is no fixed timeline. One study of college students, reported by the American Heart Association, found that most recovered from breakup-related low mood within about three months. Research on divorce suggests most distress fades within five years. [1] Longer relationships, shared homes and children usually take longer, and that’s normal.
Researchers also warn against rushing into a rebound. A longer gap before a new relationship seems to go with that relationship being a little better. [1]
No contact, and why it helps
Every message, photo or profile check can restart the craving. In a survey of 464 people, keeping tabs on an ex on Facebook was linked with more distress, more longing and less personal growth. [11] The study shows a link, not proof of cause, but many people find stepping back is the turning point.
- Mute, unfollow or archive, even if you don’t block.
- Move photos and messages somewhere you won’t stumble on them.
- Ask friends not to pass on news for a while.
- If you share children, a home or money, keep contact short, practical and in writing where you can.
If your ex controlled, belittled or frightened you, see our healing from narcissistic abuse hub. Leaving or cutting contact with someone abusive can be a risky time, so plan it with a specialist service.
Writing it out, the honest version
Journaling about a breakup is often recommended, and it can help. In one study of young adults after a breakup, reflecting on it repeatedly helped people rebuild a clearer sense of who they were, and that went with less loneliness and fewer intrusive feelings. [9]
But it doesn’t suit everyone. In a study of 90 recently separated adults, people who tended to brood did worse after writing about their feelings, and best when they simply logged their daily activities. [8] So try it, and notice how you feel afterwards. If you feel lighter, carry on. If you end up going round in circles, switch to writing about your day, or to what you’ve learned and what you want next.
Self-compassion and self-care
How you talk to yourself matters. In a study of 105 recently divorced adults, those who talked about the split with more self-compassion recovered faster and were doing better months later. [10] Try asking: what would I say to a friend going through this?
- Lean on people. Friends and family can buffer the stress; even time with acquaintances is better than being alone. [1]
- Keep small plans. Do things you used to enjoy, even when you don’t feel like it. [1]
- Go easy on alcohol. Drinking or eating your way through it tends to make things worse. [1]
- Protect your sleep. Breakups often cost sleep. [1] Soft music or a sound bath recording can help you drift off. [14] Our sleep hub has many more ideas.
When to see a doctor
Strong emotional stress, including loss, can occasionally trigger “broken heart syndrome”, a temporary heart condition that can feel like a heart attack, with sudden chest pain or breathlessness. [7] If you have chest pain, call your local emergency number straight away; don’t assume it is “just” heartbreak. [7]
See a doctor too if, weeks on, you can’t sleep, eat or work, if low mood isn’t lifting, or if you are drinking more to cope.
If you are thinking about harming yourself, you are not alone and help is free. US: call or text 988. Canada: call or text 9-8-8. UK and Ireland: Samaritans, 116 123. Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14. India: Tele-MANAS, 14416. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India).
Conventional help
Therapy and journaling can help you shape the story of what happened, and focus on what you learned and what you want to do differently. [1] A therapist is especially worth considering if the grief isn’t easing, or you notice the same pattern in relationship after relationship. The Get help tab lists directories and helplines for several countries. Many people combine conventional help with the alternative approaches on this page.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel this bad?
Yes. Brain studies suggest rejection taps into pain and craving systems, [2] [4] and grief after a breakup is a real form of grief. [5]
Should I stay friends with my ex?
Maybe one day, but usually not straight away. Keeping close tabs on an ex is linked with a harder recovery. [11]
Do alternative methods help with heartbreak?
None has been tested on heartbreak directly. Some, such as EFT tapping, have trials for anxiety, which is often part of the picture. [13] Many people use them alongside writing, self-care and support from friends.
Why do I still love someone who hurt me?
Love feelings don’t switch off on command. In one study, reminding yourself of an ex’s less appealing sides helped turn them down, and the researchers note you’ll probably need to do it regularly. [12] If they were controlling or cruel, our narcissistic abuse hub may help.
When should I get help?
If you aren’t coping day to day, if low mood is lasting, or if you keep repeating the same painful pattern. Related topics we plan to cover include grief and loss, divorce, loneliness and dating again.
The best videos on heartbreak and breakups
Hand-picked and checked one by one: talks on why heartbreak hurts, guided tapping, self-compassion and sound to help you sleep.
Understand heartbreak
Tap through the pain
Be kind to yourself
Rest and sleep
Videos are chosen by Self Help Supermarket and hosted on YouTube by their creators. They are for information and are not a substitute for professional care.
Books on heartbreak and breakups
Free resources
Experts to follow
Get help
See a doctor if you can’t sleep, eat or function for weeks, if low mood isn’t lifting, or if you are drinking more to cope. Sudden chest pain or breathlessness needs emergency help.
Get help now, wherever you are
- If you are thinking about harming yourself, you are not alone and help is free. US: call or text 988. Canada: call or text 9-8-8. UK and Ireland: Samaritans, 116 123. Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14. India: Tele-MANAS, 14416. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India).
- Free, confidential help: if you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India). US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247. Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732. Canada: ShelterSafe lists shelters and provincial help lines. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com lists abuse and domestic violence helplines by country.
Find a therapist or counsellor
- US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
- UK: BACP therapist directory.
- Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
- Elsewhere: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.
This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.
Sources
- American Heart Association News, Love on the rocks? Here’s advice for staying well in your breakup era (2025)
- Kross, Berman, Mischel, Smith & Wager (2011), Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain, PNAS (ScienceDaily summary)
- Woo, Koban, Kross et al. (2014), Separate neural representations for physical pain and social rejection, Nature Communications 5:5380
- Rutgers University, Romantic rejection stimulates areas of the brain involved in motivation, reward and addiction (Fisher et al., Journal of Neurophysiology, 2010)
- Cleveland Clinic, The 5 stages of grief
- Stroebe, M., Grief theories and models (conference handout, St Francis Hospice Dublin)
- Mayo Clinic, Broken heart syndrome: symptoms and causes
- Association for Psychological Science, Post-divorce journaling may hinder healing for some (Sbarra et al., Clinical Psychological Science)
- Larson & Sbarra (2015), Participating in research on romantic breakups promotes emotional recovery via changes in self-concept clarity, Social Psychological and Personality Science
- Association for Psychological Science, Advice to divorcees: go easy on yourself (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, Psychological Science)
- ScienceDaily, Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners (Marshall, Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 2012)
- University of Missouri–St Louis, How to get over a breakup: new research from Sandra Langeslag (Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2018)
- Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
- Jespersen et al. (2022), Music for insomnia in adults, Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews
- Levenson, Aldwin & Yancura (2006), Positive emotional change: mediating effects of forgiveness and spirituality, Explore 2(6):498-508
Last reviewed 25 October 2026 by the Self Help Supermarket editorial team. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.