Jealousy is a normal human feeling. It can strike with a partner, a friend or a brother or sister, and it often hides a fear of not being enough. There are many ways to calm it, from tapping and inner work to mindful pauses and honest talks. Pick what’s going on for you and we’ll show you where to start.
What’s going on for you?
Three steps for when the feeling is strong and you want to react.
- Step 1 · Calm your body
EFT Tapping
Tap along on the jealous feeling before you say or do anything.
- Step 2 · Pause and notice
Mindfulness
Breathe. Where do you feel it in your body, and how strong is it? Just notice.
- Step 3 · Check the facts
The reality check
Ask a calm, neutral friend: is this threat real, or is it my fear talking?
Not quite right? See every method for jealousy
For when jealousy has become a habit of checking and needing reassurance.
- Step 1 · Spot the pattern
A jealousy journal
Write down each jealous moment: what happened, what you felt, what you feared.
- Step 2 · Understand your style
Attachment-style work
Learn about anxious attachment and how it can drive the need to check.
- Step 3 · Say it, don’t check
Talking it through with “I” statements
Swap checking for an honest “I felt worried when…” conversation.
Not quite right? See every method for jealousy
For envy of friends, siblings or anyone who seems to have it all.
- Step 1 · Ask what envy wants
Shadow Work
Journal on who you envy and why. It often points to what you want for yourself.
- Step 2 · Change the belief
Theta Healing
Find and replace beliefs such as “I’m not enough”.
- Step 3 · Be kind to yourself
Self-compassion
Notice the self-judgement and answer it as you would a friend.
Not quite right? See every method for jealousy
For jealousy rooted in childhood, family rivalry or a past betrayal.
- Step 1 · Meet your younger self
Inner Child Healing
Find the child who felt left out or second best, and comfort them.
- Step 2 · Break family patterns
The Hoffman Process
A week-long course on the habits we learn from our parents.
- Step 3 · Get support
Talking therapy
A therapist can help you find and heal the roots of jealousy.
Not quite right? See every method for jealousy
Every method for overcoming jealousy
Many alternative methods haven’t been studied much yet. That doesn’t mean they can’t help; it means there’s less evidence so far.
Tapping & energy work
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EFT Tapping
Tap on acupressure points while naming a feeling; a 2025 review of trials found it a promising add-on for anxiety. [8] Full guide
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The Emotion Code
Identify and release ‘trapped emotions’ using muscle testing and a magnet.
Inner work, beliefs & patterns
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Inner Child Healing
Reconnect with and re-parent your younger self to heal old wounds.
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Shadow Work
Meet and integrate the parts of yourself you’ve learned to hide or reject.
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Attachment-style work
Learn how your attachment style shapes jealousy; attachment anxiety was linked with more jealousy in one study. [3]
Guide soon
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Theta Healing
A meditative process for finding and replacing limiting beliefs.
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NLP
Neuro-Linguistic Programming techniques for changing patterns of thought, language and behaviour.
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The Hoffman Process
A seven-day residential course for breaking patterns learned in childhood; low mood stayed lower a year on in one study. [9]
Mind, heart & everyday skills
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Mindfulness
Notice jealous thoughts without acting on them; mindful people did less checking in five studies. [4] Full guide
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Self-compassion
Meet the feeling with kindness rather than shame. Free guided practices are online. [10]
Everyday practice
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A jealousy journal
Track jealous moments without judgement to find your triggers and patterns. [1]
Everyday practice
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The reality check
Ask a trusted, neutral person whether the threat is real or imagined. [1]
Everyday practice
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Talking it through with “I” statements
Tell the other person how you feel, starting with “I”, not “you always”. [1]
Everyday practice
More methods with their own hub and guide
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CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)
A structured talking therapy that works on unhelpful thoughts and behaviours. It is one of the best-studied therapies, with the strongest support for anxiety disorders, depression, anger and general stress. A therapist can help you spot and test thoughts such as “they will leave me”. Full guide
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The Work (Byron Katie)
Write down a stressful judgement, test it with four questions, then “turn it around”. Research is promising but small and mostly uncontrolled. Often used to question the stories jealousy tells, such as “they should only look at me”. Full guide
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Sedona Method
A short series of questions, such as “Could I let this feeling go?”. Independent research is very limited. People use it to let the first rush of jealous feeling go instead of acting on it. Full guide
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Lefkoe Method
Trace a limiting belief back to its childhood sources and let it go. Only one small trial has been published. Aimed at beliefs such as “I’m not enough”, which jealousy can hide. Full guide
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Ho’oponopono
Traditionally a Hawaiian family process for repairing relationships; today also a four-phrase mantra. Direct research is very limited. People use it to work on letting go of resentment. Full guide
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Relaxation
Simple skills, such as slow breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, that switch down the body’s stress response. Slow breathing is one way to settle your body when jealousy spikes. Full guide
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Hypnosis
Focused attention and openness to suggestion, used by trained clinicians. Its best evidence is for irritable bowel syndrome and pain, not for relationship problems. It is not a recognised treatment for jealousy. If jealousy is hurting you, a qualified therapist is the safer first step. Full guide
Conventional routes
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Talking therapy
A qualified therapist can help you find the root of jealousy. Search a directory in your country (the Get help tab has links), or ask your doctor or local health service. [2]
Support option
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Couples therapy
Working together to rebuild trust, often after a betrayal. Not for relationships with abuse or control. [1]
Support option
Coming soon: Non-Violent Communication, Compassion-Focused Therapy.
Learn more
About jealousy
What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:
- What is jealousy?
- Partners, friends and siblings
- Why we feel jealous
- How to handle jealous feelings
- Working on the roots
- When jealousy becomes control
- Conventional help
- FAQs
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is the feeling that comes when the love, affection or attention you get from someone seems to be at risk. Clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly calls it an emotional alarm bell for danger in a relationship, which may be real or imagined. [1]
Envy is a close cousin. Envy is wanting something another person has. Jealousy is more about fearing you will lose someone, and it often points to a lack of security. [1] Most people feel both at times. The feeling itself isn’t wrong. What matters is what you do with it.
Partners, friends and siblings
- Partners: worry about an ex, a colleague or someone on their phone. Not trusting a partner’s commitment is a common trigger. [2]
- Friends: feeling pushed aside when a friend starts a new relationship or friendship. Some researchers think this kind of jealousy can even help protect friendships. [2]
- Siblings: rivalry often starts in childhood, when children compete for a parent’s attention. It is common, and can carry on as children grow. [5] Many adults still feel the old sting of being compared.
The same tools on this page work for all three, though the conversations will look different.
Why we feel jealous
Jealousy is often a form of fear: that we are not enough, not attractive enough, or not interesting enough. Possible roots include a fear of not being chosen, growing up around a lot of jealousy, losing a parent, and past toxic relationships. [2]
Attachment ideas may help explain it too. In a study of 477 university students, those with more attachment anxiety, a deep worry about being abandoned or unloved, reported more jealousy. [3] It was one survey, so it shows a link rather than a cause, but many people find the idea helpful. If worry is a big part of your life, our anxiety hub may help too.
Manly separates reactive jealousy, set off by something that really happened, from suspicious jealousy, which grows from inner insecurity. [1] Knowing which one you’re feeling is a useful first step.
How to handle jealous feelings
- Get curious, not critical. Pause, breathe and notice where the feeling sits in your body and how strong it is. Blaming yourself won’t help. [1]
- Keep a journal. Note each jealous moment without judging it, so you can spot patterns. [1]
- Find your triggers. Look for links between old hurts and what sets you off now. [1]
- Check real against imagined. Ask a trusted, neutral person for an outside view. [1]
- Ask what it’s telling you. “What am I afraid of?” The answer guides your next step. [1]
- Talk, don’t accuse. Use “I” statements: “I felt left out when…” rather than “You always…”. [1]
Mindfulness may help with the thinking and checking side of jealousy. In five studies, more mindful people had fewer jealous thoughts and did less checking up on their partners, and their relationships went more smoothly, though they still felt the emotion itself. [4]
Working on the roots
Because jealousy so often grows from old fears, many people find the deepest relief in inner work. Tapping can calm the body’s alarm. Inner child work can comfort the part of you that once felt left out or second best. Shadow work can turn envy into a clue to what you really want. Belief work targets thoughts such as “I’m not enough”. Most of these haven’t been tested for jealousy, so try them with open eyes.
When jealousy becomes control
Jealousy is a feeling. Control is a behaviour. Extreme jealousy, possessiveness, checking someone’s phone, email or social media without permission, and cutting them off from friends or family are all warning signs of abuse. [6]
The World Health Organization counts controlling behaviour and psychological abuse as forms of partner violence. Worldwide, about 1 in 4 women who have been in a relationship (24.7%) have experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner. [7] Men and people of any gender can be affected too.
If this is happening to you: it is not your fault, and it is not love. Confronting a controlling partner can sometimes make things more dangerous, so get support first.
If you notice these urges in yourself: that takes courage to admit. Stop the checking, and get help from a therapist now. Our guide to setting boundaries can help both partners see what healthy looks like.
Free, confidential help: if you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India). US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247. Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732. Canada: ShelterSafe lists shelters and provincial help lines. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com lists abuse and domestic violence helplines by country.
Conventional help
If jealousy is hurting you or your relationships, a therapist can help you find its roots, and one who specialises in relationships can give you more tailored tools. [2] After a confirmed betrayal, couples therapy may help you rebuild trust together. [1] Couples therapy is not suitable where there is abuse or control. The Get help tab lists directories and helplines for several countries. Many people combine conventional help with alternative approaches.
Frequently asked questions
Is jealousy always bad?
No. It is a natural emotion, and it can even be useful if you handle it well. [2] Problems start when it drives checking, accusations or control.
Should I tell my partner I feel jealous?
Usually yes, calmly and with “I” statements, once the first wave has passed. [1]
How do I stop envying my friends or siblings?
Start by being kind to yourself about it. Then ask what the envy is pointing to. It often shows you something you want and can work towards.
Do alternative methods help with jealousy?
None has been tested for jealousy directly. Some, such as EFT tapping, have trials for anxiety, which often sits underneath. [8] Many people pair a calming method with deeper work on old beliefs.
When should I get help?
If jealousy fills your thoughts, harms your relationships, or leads to checking or controlling behaviour. If someone is controlling you, see the safety section above.
The best videos on jealousy
Hand-picked and checked one by one: talks, practical tips and guided tapping.
Understand jealousy
Practical help
Tap through it
Videos are chosen by Self Help Supermarket and hosted on YouTube by their creators. They are for information and are not a substitute for professional care.
Books on jealousy
Free resources
Experts to follow
Get help
See a doctor or therapist if jealousy is taking over your thoughts, harming your relationships, or comes with anxiety or low mood you can’t shake.
Get help now, wherever you are
- If you are thinking about harming yourself, you are not alone and help is free. US: call or text 988. Canada: call or text 9-8-8. UK and Ireland: Samaritans, 116 123. Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14. India: Tele-MANAS, 14416. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India).
- Free, confidential help: if you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India). US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247. Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732. Canada: ShelterSafe lists shelters and provincial help lines. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com lists abuse and domestic violence helplines by country.
Find a therapist or counsellor
- US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
- UK: BACP therapist directory.
- Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
- Elsewhere: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.
This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.
Sources
- Carla Marie Manly, How to handle jealous feelings, Psyche (Aeon)
- Psych Central, Healthy ways to deal with jealousy (medically reviewed by Tiffany Taft, PsyD, 2022)
- Deng, Tadesse, Khalid, Zhang, Song & Gao (2023), The influence of insecure attachment on undergraduates’ jealousy: the mediating effect of self-differentiation, Frontiers in Psychology 14:1153866
- De Cristofaro, Pellegrini, Salvati & Giacomantonio (2023), Examining and understanding patterns of cognitive, emotional, and behavioral jealousy: dispositional mindfulness as a protective factor in romantic relationships, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 40(5):1368-1397
- HealthLink BC, Sibling rivalry: reducing conflict and jealousy
- love is respect (National Domestic Violence Hotline), Warning signs of abuse
- World Health Organization, Violence against women: fact sheet (2026)
- Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
- Levenson, Aldwin & Yancura (2006), Positive emotional change: mediating effects of forgiveness and spirituality, Explore 2(6):498-508
- Self-Compassion Institute (Dr Kristin Neff), free guided practices and exercises
Last reviewed 25 October 2026 by the Self Help Supermarket editorial team. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.