About divorce and separation

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• A normal response to a big change
• Most people adjust well
• The feelings you may have
• Grieving a relationship
• The first weeks
• Looking after the basics
• Be kind to yourself
• When your mind won’t switch off
• Anger and resentment
• Supporting your children
• Co-parenting well
• Dealing with your ex
• Practical matters
• Lean on your people
• Rediscovering who you are
• Loneliness and new connections
• Dating again
• Havening, tapping and releasing
• How self-help methods fit in
• When to get extra support
• FAQs

A normal response to a big change

The end of a marriage or long-term relationship touches almost every part of life: your home, money, routines, friendships, family and sense of who you are. It is completely normal to feel shaken, even if you chose to leave or know it is for the best. Many people feel a mix of sadness, relief, anger, fear and hope, sometimes all in one day. None of this means you are not coping. It means you are going through one of life’s biggest transitions, and giving yourself time and care is exactly the right thing to do. You can explore related topics in our Relationships hub.

Most people adjust well

Here is something encouraging. A review of a decade of divorce research by sociologist Paul Amato found that people vary greatly in how they respond, and that for some, divorce eventually brings benefits. [4] A large study that tracked people’s wellbeing before and after major life events found that the most common pattern after divorce was relatively little lasting change in wellbeing: most people, in other words, are more resilient than they expect. [5] Psychologist David Sbarra, who studies divorce, makes the same point in his TEDx talk in Videos. Hard times are real, but they are usually not permanent.

The feelings you may have

There is no right way to feel. Common feelings include:

• Sadness and grief for the relationship, the future you imagined and the family life you had.
• Anger at your ex, yourself or the situation.
• Fear and worry about money, housing, children or being alone.
• Guilt or shame, especially if you made the decision.
• Relief and hope, which can feel confusing alongside the pain.
• Numbness, particularly in the early weeks.

Feelings often come in waves. Letting them come and go, rather than fighting them, usually helps them ease faster.

Grieving a relationship

Separation is a kind of loss, and grief is a natural response. You may grieve not just your partner but shared plans, traditions, in-laws, a home or a version of yourself. Grief does not follow a neat timetable. Some days will feel lighter and others heavier, and that is normal. Give yourself permission to feel sad, to cry and to talk about it. Our guides to grief and loss and heartbreak and breakups have more gentle ideas.

The first weeks

The early weeks can feel the hardest. Focus on getting through each day rather than solving everything at once. Some ideas that help:

1. Keep things simple. Put off big decisions where you can.
2. Create small routines. Regular meals, a walk and a set bedtime bring stability.
3. Tell a few trusted people what is happening and how they can help.
4. Limit checking your ex’s social media.
5. Write things down. Lists help when your mind feels foggy.
6. Be gentle with yourself if you are less productive than usual.

Looking after the basics

Stress takes a toll on your body, so the basics matter more than ever. Try to eat regularly, drink enough water, move every day and protect your sleep. A daily walk, especially outdoors, can lift your mood and help you sleep. Go easy on alcohol, which can feel like a comfort but often makes low mood, anxiety and sleep worse. Our guides to sleep and stress management have practical ideas.

Be kind to yourself

One of the most helpful things you can do is treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend. In a study of 109 divorcing adults, those who showed more self-compassion when talking about their separation had less distress intruding into daily life, both at the start and up to nine months later. [1] The researchers noted that self-compassion is a skill that can be learned. Try placing a hand on your heart and saying: “This is really hard. Many people go through this. May I be kind to myself.” Psychologist Kristin Neff’s free self-compassion practices are in Free resources, and her talk is in Videos.

When your mind won’t switch off

It is common to replay conversations, wonder what went wrong or imagine what your ex is doing. Some reflection helps you learn and make sense of what happened; endless replaying just keeps you stuck. Try setting aside 15 minutes a day to write about your thoughts, then gently move on to something else. The Work of Byron Katie offers four questions for painful thoughts, such as “I’ll never be happy again”: Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you react when you believe that thought? Who would you be without it? Our guide to overthinking has more ways to calm a busy mind.

Anger and resentment

Anger is a natural and often healthy response to feeling hurt or treated unfairly. The aim is not to push it down but to let it move through you without letting it run your life. Exercise, writing an unsent letter, talking to a friend and releasing techniques such as the Sedona Method can help. Over time, many people find that letting go of resentment is something they do for their own peace, not for their ex. Our guide to anger and resentment has more.

Supporting your children

If you have children, it is natural to worry about them. The research is reassuring: a review by psychologists Joan Kelly and Robert Emery found that the majority of children adjust well after divorce, and that parents can do a lot to protect them. [3] Things that help:

• Tell them together, if you can, with simple, honest, age-appropriate words.
• Reassure them that it is not their fault and that both parents love them.
• Keep routines as steady as possible.
• Keep them out of adult conflict. Don’t ask them to carry messages or take sides.
• Listen to their feelings without trying to fix them.
• Look after yourself, because a calmer parent helps a calmer child.

Co-parenting well

Co-parenting means working together as parents even though you are no longer partners. It works best when it is treated like a respectful business relationship: polite, clear and focused on the children. Agree how you will communicate, such as by email or a shared app, and keep messages short and practical. Share important information about school, health and activities. Try to be flexible where you can. Writer Joel Leon shares his experience of the beautiful, hard work of co-parenting in Videos.

Dealing with your ex

Contact with an ex can stir up strong feelings. Some ideas that help:

• Take a pause before replying to difficult messages.
• Keep it brief and factual. You don’t have to respond to every comment.
• Set clear boundaries about how and when you communicate.
• Focus on what you can control: your words, your actions and your wellbeing.

If you have no children together, some people find a period of little or no contact helps them heal. Our guides to setting boundaries and conflict resolution have more.

Practical matters

Separation often brings practical decisions about money, housing and arrangements for children. Take them one at a time. Make a list of what needs deciding, gather important documents and get reliable information about the rules where you live. Many couples use mediation, where a trained, neutral mediator helps you agree arrangements without going to court, which can be quicker, cheaper and less stressful. A solicitor or lawyer can explain your options, and many offer a short first consultation.

Lean on your people

Friends and family are a huge source of strength. Let them know what would help, whether that is a phone call, a meal, help with the children or simply company. If you feel you have lost friends who were shared with your ex, this is a good time to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. Support groups for people going through separation, in person or online, can also help you feel less alone.

Rediscovering who you are

After a long relationship, it is common to feel unsure of who you are on your own. Rebuilding that sense of self is a key part of recovery. In a study of 210 recently separated young adults, those who spent more time reflecting on their breakup developed a clearer sense of who they were, and this was linked to less loneliness and less distress about the separation. [2] Try asking yourself: What did I love doing before? What do I value? What would I like to try now? Small steps, such as a new class, a trip or a hobby, help you get to know yourself again.

Loneliness and new connections

Loneliness is common after separation, especially in the evenings, at weekends and on special days. Plan ahead for times you know will be hard. Reach out to friends, join a group or club, volunteer or try something new. Our guide to loneliness and making friends has practical, research-backed ways to build connection.

Dating again

There is no set time before you are ready to date again. Some people want to meet someone quickly; others prefer a long break. A good sign you are ready is when you feel curious about meeting someone new rather than looking for them to fill a gap. Take things at your own pace. Our guide to dating and finding a partner has more when the time feels right.

Havening, tapping and releasing

Many people use gentle techniques to help with the strong feelings separation brings. Havening uses soothing touch on the arms, face and hands to calm distress. EFT tapping combines tapping on acupressure points with naming a feeling, such as hurt, anger or fear. The Sedona Method uses simple questions to help you let feelings go, and the Presence Process uses breathing and attention to help you feel and integrate emotions fully. Guided sessions are in Videos.

How self-help methods fit in

Separation affects your feelings, thoughts, body and daily life, so many people combine approaches. Self-compassion, good daily routines and support from people you trust come first. [1] Havening and EFT tapping help calm strong emotions. The Sedona Method and the Presence Process help you release and integrate feelings, and The Work helps with painful thoughts. If you are recovering from a relationship that involved control or manipulation, our guide to healing from narcissistic abuse may help.

When to get extra support

Many people find it helps to talk to a counsellor or therapist during separation, even if they are coping well. Consider extra support if low mood, anxiety or poor sleep go on for more than a few weeks, if you are struggling to manage day to day, or if you would like help making decisions. Your doctor can point you to local services, and many counsellors work online. If low mood is a concern, our guide to depression has more. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.

Frequently asked questions

How long does it take to get over a divorce?

There is no set timetable, but research shows most people adjust well over time, and many are more resilient than they expect. [5]

Is it normal to feel relief and sadness at the same time?

Yes. Mixed feelings are very common, including grief, anger, fear, relief and hope, sometimes all in one day.

What helps most after a separation?

Self-compassion, steady routines, support from people you trust and rebuilding your sense of who you are. [1] [2]

How do I help my children through divorce?

Reassure them, keep routines steady, listen and keep them out of adult conflict. Most children adjust well. [3]

How can I stop thinking about my ex?

Set aside a short time each day to write about your thoughts, limit checking their social media and fill your time with people and activities you enjoy.

Can self-compassion really help?

Yes. In a study of divorcing adults, self-compassion predicted less distress up to nine months later. [1]

When should I get professional support?

If low mood, anxiety or poor sleep go on for more than a few weeks, or you are struggling day to day, talk to a counsellor or your doctor.

The best videos on divorce and separation

Hand-picked and checked one by one: psychologists and teachers, plus tapping, Havening and releasing for difficult feelings.

Understanding divorce

Self-compassion and co-parenting

Calming and releasing

Books on divorce and separation

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

Talk to a counsellor or your doctor if low mood, anxiety or poor sleep go on for more than a few weeks.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Sbarra, Smith & Mehl (2012), When leaving your ex, love yourself: observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation, Psychological Science 23(3):261-269
2. Larson & Sbarra (2015), Participating in research on romantic breakups promotes emotional recovery via changes in self-concept clarity, Social Psychological and Personality Science 6(4):399-406
3. Kelly & Emery (2003), Children’s adjustment following divorce: risk and resilience perspectives, Family Relations 52(4):352-362
4. Amato (2000), The consequences of divorce for adults and children, Journal of Marriage and Family 62(4):1269-1287
5. Mancini, Bonanno & Clark (2011), Stepping off the hedonic treadmill: individual differences in response to major life events, Journal of Individual Differences 32(3):144-152

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.