About loneliness and making friends

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What loneliness is
• You are not alone in feeling alone
• Why connection matters
• Why loneliness happens
• Loneliness as a helpful signal
• How loneliness affects your thinking
• You are liked more than you think
• The power of small talk
• Where to start
• Places to meet people
• How friendships grow
• Deepening friendships
• Rekindling old friendships
• Making friends as an adult
• Online connection
• Loneliness at different life stages
• Enjoying your own company
• Mindfulness and loneliness
• Changing unhelpful thoughts
• How self-help methods fit in
• When to get extra support
• FAQs

What loneliness is

Loneliness is the painful feeling that your social connections are not what you would like them to be, either in number or closeness. It is different from being alone. You can feel lonely in a crowd or a relationship, and you can be happily alone. Loneliness is about the gap between the connection you have and the connection you want. Social isolation, by contrast, means having few contacts. The two often overlap but are not the same. You can explore related topics in our Relationships hub.

You are not alone in feeling alone

Loneliness is very common. The World Health Organization reports that around 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected by loneliness, with rates highest among teenagers and young adults, at about 17 to 21% of people aged 13 to 29. [4] Rates were also higher in low-income countries (around 24%) than in high-income countries (around 11%). [4] If you feel lonely, you are in very good company, and there are many proven ways to feel more connected.

Why connection matters

Good relationships are one of the best things you can do for your health and happiness. A major review of 148 studies, covering more than 300,000 people, found that people with stronger social relationships had a 50% greater likelihood of survival over the study periods. [5] The WHO highlights that social connection is linked to better health and a lower risk of early death. [4] Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, who directs one of the longest-running studies of adult life, shares what it has found about good relationships in his TED talk in Videos.

Why loneliness happens

Loneliness often follows life changes, such as:

• Moving to a new town, country, university or job.
• A breakup, divorce or bereavement.
• Becoming a parent, or children leaving home.
• Retiring or working from home.
• Health problems that make it harder to get out.
• Friends moving away or getting busy with their own lives.

It can also come from feeling different, shy or misunderstood. None of these mean you are unlikeable. They are simply situations where connection takes a little more effort to rebuild.

Loneliness as a helpful signal

The late neuroscientist John Cacioppo, a pioneer of loneliness research, described loneliness as a signal, a bit like hunger or thirst, that prompts us to seek the connection we need. Seeing it this way can take away some of the shame. Feeling lonely does not mean you have failed; it means a basic human need is asking for attention. His TEDx talk is in Videos.

How loneliness affects your thinking

When we feel lonely, our minds can become more alert to rejection. We may expect others to be unfriendly, read neutral faces as cold or hold back in conversation. This can create a cycle where we feel disconnected and then pull back further. The good news is that this pattern can be changed. A review of loneliness interventions found that the most successful ones were those that helped people change these unhelpful social thoughts. [6] That is why approaches such as CBT and mindfulness can be so useful.

You are liked more than you think

One of the most reassuring findings in psychology is the “liking gap”. In a series of studies, people who had just met and chatted consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed their company. [7] In other words, others probably think more warmly of you than you assume. Keep this in mind next time you worry that you came across badly: the evidence suggests you probably did better than you think.

The power of small talk

Brief, friendly chats with people you don’t know well can lift your mood more than you might expect. In studies by psychologists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, commuters who were asked to talk to a stranger had a more pleasant journey than those who sat in silence, even though they had predicted the opposite. [1] People also underestimated how interested others would be in talking to them. [1] A quick hello to a neighbour, shop assistant or someone in a queue is a small step that can make your day feel warmer. Author Kio Stark’s talk on why you should talk to strangers is in Videos.

Where to start

If you feel lonely, start with small, manageable steps:

1. Reach out to one person you have lost touch with. A short message is enough.
2. Say yes to one invitation, even if you feel a little nervous.
3. Chat briefly with someone you see often, such as a neighbour or colleague.
4. Join one regular activity, such as a class, club or volunteering.
5. Go to the same places regularly, so familiar faces can become friends.
6. Be patient. Connection grows with time.

The NHS suggests ideas such as volunteering and connecting with others who share your interests. [3]

Places to meet people

Friendships often grow from shared activities, because they give you a reason to see the same people regularly and something to talk about. Ideas include:

• Sports teams, running clubs, walking groups or gym classes.
• Book clubs, choirs, art classes or language courses.
• Volunteering for a cause you care about.
• Faith or community groups.
• Parent groups, if you have young children.
• Local events, workshops and meet-ups.
• Work social events or interest groups.

Choose something you genuinely enjoy, so it feels good even before friendships form.

How friendships grow

Friendships take time. Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall found that the amount of time people spent together was linked to how close their friendships became. [2] This is why regular activities work so well: they give you repeated time with the same people without having to arrange it each time. If a friendship doesn’t click straight away, that is normal. Keep showing up, and closeness often follows.

Deepening friendships

Once you have met people, a few habits help friendships grow:

• Take the first step. Suggest a coffee or walk; others are often waiting for someone to ask.
• Be curious. Ask questions and remember details.
• Share a little about yourself. Gradual openness builds trust.
• Keep in touch between meetings with a quick message.
• Show appreciation. Let friends know you value them.
• Be there in good times and hard times.

Psychologist Marisa Franco, author of Platonic, explains why it helps to assume people like you and to take the initiative. Her TED talk is in Videos. Our guide to communication skills has more.

Rekindling old friendships

Some of the easiest connections to rebuild are ones you already have. Old school friends, former colleagues, cousins and neighbours you have lost touch with are often happy to hear from you, even after years. It is easy to assume they have moved on or would find a message strange, but the research on how people underestimate others’ interest suggests they are likely to welcome it. [1] Try a simple, warm message: “I was thinking of you the other day and wondered how you are.” You don’t need a reason or an apology for the gap. If they reply, suggest a call or a coffee. If they don’t, that is usually about their busy life rather than about you. Making a list of five people you would like to reconnect with, and contacting one a week, is a gentle way to rebuild your circle without feeling overwhelmed.

Making friends as an adult

Many adults find making friends harder than it was at school or university, when we saw the same people every day. That is normal and not a reflection on you. As adults, friendships usually need a little more planning. Try putting regular plans in the diary, such as a weekly walk or monthly dinner, and be the one who suggests them. Don’t worry if it feels awkward at first; most people are glad to be asked.

Online connection

Online communities, video calls and messaging can be a lifeline, especially for keeping in touch with distant friends and family or finding people with shared interests. They work best alongside face-to-face contact where possible. Try using online groups to find local events, and move friendly online chats to video calls or meet-ups when it feels right and safe.

Loneliness at different life stages

Loneliness can show up at any age. Young adults may feel it when starting university or a first job. New parents may feel cut off from old routines. Midlife can bring busy schedules and fewer chances to socialise, and later life can bring retirement or bereavement. Each stage has its own opportunities too, from student societies and parent groups to volunteering and community activities. If you are lonely after a separation, our guide to divorce and separation may help.

Enjoying your own company

Learning to enjoy time alone is a valuable skill. It makes loneliness feel less frightening and helps you choose friendships from a place of security rather than need. Try treating time alone as time with someone you care about: cook a nice meal, take yourself out, read, create or explore. Our guides to self-love practices and self-esteem have more ideas.

Mindfulness and loneliness

Mindfulness can help with loneliness in a surprising way. In a trial with 153 adults, a 14-lesson smartphone mindfulness course that taught people to both monitor and accept their experiences reduced daily loneliness by 22% and increased social contact by about two interactions a day, compared with a version that taught monitoring alone. [8] Accepting feelings, rather than fighting them, may make it easier to reach out to others. A guided meditation for loneliness is in Videos.

Changing unhelpful thoughts

Since the most successful loneliness interventions help people change unhelpful social thoughts, [6] it can help to notice yours. Common ones include “Nobody wants to hear from me”, “They’re just being polite” or “I’ll be rejected”. CBT encourages you to ask: What is the evidence? Is there another way to see this? What would I say to a friend? Remember the liking gap: people usually like us more than we think. [7] Psycho-Cybernetics adds mental rehearsal, such as picturing a warm, relaxed conversation before a social event.

How self-help methods fit in

Loneliness affects your thoughts, feelings and habits, so many people combine approaches. Small, regular social steps come first, such as reaching out, joining groups and spending time together. [2] CBT helps you challenge unhelpful thoughts, and mindfulness helps you accept feelings and reach out. [8] NLP and Psycho-Cybernetics are popular for building social confidence. If social situations make you very anxious, our guide to anxiety has more, and if low mood is part of the picture, see our guide to depression.

When to get extra support

If loneliness goes on for a long time, or comes with low mood, anxiety or difficulty enjoying things, it can help to talk to someone. Your doctor can tell you about local groups and services, and a therapist can help with social anxiety, confidence or low mood. Many counsellors work online. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between loneliness and being alone?

Loneliness is the feeling that your connections are not what you would like. Being alone is simply being by yourself, which many people enjoy.

How common is loneliness?

Very common. The WHO reports around 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected, with the highest rates among young people. [4]

How can I make friends as an adult?

Join regular activities, say yes to invitations, take the initiative and keep showing up. Friendships grow with time together. [2]

Why do I feel like people don’t like me?

Loneliness can make us more alert to rejection. Research on the liking gap shows people usually like us more than we think. [7]

Does talking to strangers really help?

Yes. In studies, commuters who talked to strangers had a more pleasant journey than they predicted. [1]

Can mindfulness help with loneliness?

Yes. In one trial, mindfulness training that included acceptance reduced daily loneliness by 22%. [8]

When should I talk to someone about loneliness?

If it lasts a long time or comes with low mood or anxiety, talk to your doctor or a therapist.

The best videos on loneliness and making friends

Hand-picked and checked one by one: researchers, psychologists and a guided meditation for lonely moments.

Why connection matters

Making friends

Understanding and soothing loneliness

Books on loneliness and making friends

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

Talk to your doctor or a therapist if loneliness lasts a long time or comes with low mood or anxiety.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Epley & Schroeder (2014), Mistakenly seeking solitude, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 143(5):1980-1999
2. Hall (2019), How many hours does it take to make a friend?, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 36(4):1278-1296
3. NHS Every Mind Matters, Dealing with loneliness
4. World Health Organization (2025), Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death
5. Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton (2010), Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review, PLoS Medicine 7(7):e1000316
6. Masi et al. (2011), A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness, Personality and Social Psychology Review 15(3):219-266
7. Boothby et al. (2018), The liking gap in conversations: do people like us more than we think?, Psychological Science 29(11):1742-1756
8. Lindsay et al. (2019), Mindfulness training reduces loneliness and increases social contact in a randomized controlled trial, PNAS 116(9):3488-3493

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.