About better communication in relationships

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• Why communication goes wrong
• What good communication looks like
• The small moments that matter
• When one of you pushes and the other withdraws
• Listening so your partner feels heard
• Phones and distraction
• Conventional help
• FAQs

Why communication goes wrong

Most couples believe they should be able to just talk. In practice, three things get in the way: stress that puts the body on alert, patterns we learned growing up, and habits that build up over years of busy life. When you are tired, anxious or hurt, you hear criticism where none was meant and you say things you would not say when calm.

This page is about the everyday side of communication: staying close, listening, and raising difficult things. If your main problem is rows that spiral, start with our guide to conflict resolution. If you want to stay close as the years go by, our guide to marriage and long-term partnership goes further.

What good communication looks like

You do not have to be a gifted talker. Researchers who study couples tend to point to the same few things: being able to raise problems gently, listening to the answer, repairing after a bad moment, and regularly showing interest and appreciation. The Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for decades, describes four habits that tend to damage relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. It recommends replacing them with a gentle start-up, appreciation, taking responsibility and self-soothing. [2]

There is real evidence that communication can be taught. A meta-analysis of 117 studies of marriage and relationship education found effect sizes of d = .30 to .36 for relationship quality, and .43 to .45 for communication skills in experimental studies, and larger gains from moderate-dose programmes than from brief ones. [9]

One well-known programme, PREP, is a five-session course teaching communication and conflict management skills. In a follow-up study, couples who took it had better communication skills five years later than comparison couples. [11]

The small moments that matter

A lot of closeness is built in moments that do not look important. The Gottman Institute calls attempts to get your partner’s attention or affection “bids”: a smile, a comment, a request for help. “Turning towards” means responding, even briefly. In the Institute’s summary of one six-year follow-up of newlyweds, couples who stayed married turned towards each other’s bids 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who divorced. [3] It is one of the simplest habits on this page, and one of the most powerful.

Two other small habits have support from controlled research. In a set of four studies, people who told others about good events had more positive mood and wellbeing, and the benefit was larger when others responded actively and constructively. Two of the studies found that couples whose partners typically responded to good news with enthusiasm reported more intimacy and daily marital satisfaction. [4] And in a daily diary study of cohabiting couples, feeling grateful for something a partner did predicted more connection and satisfaction the next day, for both partners, which the authors described as a possible “booster shot” for the relationship. [5]

You can try this week: reply with interest when your partner shares news, say a specific thank you once a day, and put your phone away during the first ten minutes after you meet in the evening.

When one of you pushes and the other withdraws

A very common pattern is “demand/withdraw”. One partner pushes to talk, to change something, or to get a response. The other pulls away, goes quiet or changes the subject. The more one pushes, the more the other retreats. A meta-analysis of 74 studies, covering 14,255 people, found a moderate, meaningful association (r = .36) between this pattern and outcomes for individuals, relationships and communication, with the pattern linked to poorer outcomes. It was seen in both directions, whether the woman demanded and the man withdrew or the other way round, which is good news: it is a pattern couples share and can change together. [12]

If this sounds like you, a few things can help. If the push-pull runs deep, our guide to anxious and avoidant attachment explains where it often comes from.

1. See it as a pattern. The problem is the loop you are both in, not either of you.
2. If you pursue, ask once, gently, and name a time. “Can we talk about this on Saturday morning?” leaves less to flee from.
3. If you withdraw, say you need a break and when you will come back. Then return. Going quiet without a word can feel like abandonment.
4. Take a proper break when you are overwhelmed. The Gottman Institute suggests a break of at least 20 minutes, doing something calming. [2]

Listening so your partner feels heard

Being heard is not the same as being agreed with. A common technique is reflective or active listening: you say back what you understood, without adding advice or defence, and check you have it right. In one experiment with 115 participants, people who received active-listening responses felt more understood than those who got advice or simple acknowledgement. [7] It is a simple, learnable skill that helps people feel heard.

Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a four-part model: what you observed, what you felt, what you need, and a clear request. [8] You do not need to use the exact words. The aim is to speak about your own experience and needs without blame, and to listen for the other person’s.

Phones and distraction

Many couples say their phones get between them. One study of adults in romantic relationships found that partner “phubbing”, meaning ignoring your partner for your phone, was linked to lower relationship satisfaction, partly because it caused conflict about phone use. [6] It is a good reason to agree some phone-free time, such as meals and the first ten minutes after you get home.

Conventional help

If you keep having the same conversation with no progress, a couples therapist or relationship course can help. Emotionally focused couples therapy, which works on the attachment bond and the negative cycles couples get into, has been tested in randomised trials, and a review by the therapy’s own developers described it as one of the most researched approaches for distressed couples. [10] Check that your therapist is registered or accredited where you live. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.

Frequently asked questions

Why do we keep having the same argument?

Many couples have recurring issues that come from deep differences. What matters is how you talk about them. A common cause is the demand/withdraw pattern, where one partner pushes and the other retreats. [12] Our conflict guide covers handling rows.

How do I get my partner to talk to me?

Ask gently, name a time, and say what it is about. Pushing harder often makes people retreat further. [12] If they are overwhelmed, a break with an agreed time to return can help. [2] If they never return to it, a couples counsellor can help.

Does communication training actually work?

Research suggests it can help. A meta-analysis of 117 studies found modest gains in relationship quality and somewhat larger gains in communication skills. [9]

Is active listening worth learning?

Yes. In one experiment, people who received active-listening responses felt more understood than those who got advice or simple acknowledgement. [7] It is easy to practise at home.

What should we do about phones?

Agree some phone-free times, such as meals. One study linked partner phone-ignoring to lower satisfaction. [6]

Should we try couples therapy?

If you keep getting stuck in the same pattern, it can help. Emotionally focused couples therapy has been tested in randomised trials. [10] A relationship course is another good place to start.

What is a good first step this week?

Pick one small habit: turn towards your partner’s bids, share good news with real interest, or say one specific thank you a day. Everyday gratitude predicted more connection the next day in a diary study of couples. [5]

The best videos on better communication in relationships

Hand-picked and checked one by one: research explainers from the Gottmans, Nonviolent Communication and guided tapping.

Understand how couples connect

Tapping before a hard conversation

Books on better communication in relationships

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

Get professional help if you keep having the same conversation with no progress, or if silence or arguments are affecting your health or family life. A doctor can point you to local therapists, and many couples counsellors work online.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
2. The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
3. The Gottman Institute, Turn Towards Instead of Away
4. Gable et al. (2004), What Do You Do When Things Go Right? The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 87(2):228-245
5. Algoe, Gable & Maisel (2010), It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships, Personal Relationships 17(2):217-233
6. Roberts & David (2016), My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners, Computers in Human Behavior 54:134-141
7. Weger et al. (2014), The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions, International Journal of Listening 28(1):13-31
8. Jim & Jori Manske (CNVC trainers), The 4 components of Nonviolent Communication (2019)
9. Hawkins et al. (2008), Does marriage and relationship education work? A meta-analytic study, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 76(5):723-734
10. Johnson et al. (1999), Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges, Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 6(1):67-79
11. Markman et al. (1993), Preventing marital distress through communication and conflict management training: a 4- and 5-year follow-up, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 61(1):70-77
12. Schrodt, Witt & Shimkowski (2014), A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes, Communication Monographs 81(1):28-58

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.