Do you worry that a partner will leave, need a lot of reassurance, or find yourself pulling away the moment things get close? These patterns have a name: anxious and avoidant attachment. They are common, they make sense given where they come from, and the encouraging news is that people can and do become more secure. There are many ways to help, from tapping and inner child work to self-compassion and attachment-focused couples therapy. Pick what’s going on for you and we’ll show you where to start.
What’s going on for you?
For the anxious side: overthinking texts, needing reassurance, fearing abandonment.
- Step 1 · Calm the alarm
EFT Tapping
When the worry spikes, tap through it before you send that message. Follow along with a video for anxious attachment.
- Step 2 · Name the need
Ask, don’t test
Instead of waiting to see if they notice, say what would help: “A quick text when you’re running late would really settle me.”
- Step 3 · Soothe yourself too
Self-compassion
Put a hand on your chest and speak to yourself as you would to a worried friend. Free guided practices are linked in Books & experts.
Not quite right? See every method for anxious and avoidant attachment
For the avoidant side: needing space, feeling smothered, keeping people at arm’s length.
- Step 1 · Notice the urge to pull away
Pause and get curious
When you want to withdraw, ask what you are feeling just before it. Often it is a flicker of vulnerability.
- Step 2 · Take space, then come back
Say when you’ll return
“I need an hour to myself, then I’d like to talk” keeps the connection while giving you room.
- Step 3 · Look at where it started
Inner Child Healing
Many people learned early that relying on others did not work. Find where your self-reliance began.
Not quite right? See every method for anxious and avoidant attachment
For couples where one chases and the other retreats.
- Step 1 · Spot the cycle
It’s the pattern, not the person
The more one reaches, the more the other retreats, and round it goes. Naming the cycle together takes the blame out of it.
- Step 2 · Slow it down
A planned time-out
When either of you is flooded, take at least 20 minutes to settle, then come back to talk.
- Step 3 · Repair the bond
Emotionally focused couples therapy
An attachment-based couples therapy that helps partners feel safe with each other. See Get help & sources.
Not quite right? See every method for anxious and avoidant attachment
For building lasting security, whatever your starting point.
- Step 1 · Understand your style
Learn the map
Read the About tab to see which pattern feels familiar. Many people recognise a bit of both.
- Step 2 · Rewrite old beliefs
Shadow Work
Write down what you believe about love, such as “people always leave”, and where you first learned it.
- Step 3 · Practise security
Choose steady people and small risks
Spend time with reliable friends and partners, and take small, safe risks with closeness or independence.
Not quite right? See every method for anxious and avoidant attachment
Every method for anxious and avoidant attachment
Tapping & calming your body
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EFT Tapping
Tap on acupressure points while naming a feeling; a 2025 review of trials found it a promising add-on for anxiety. [1] People use it for the spike of panic when a partner goes quiet. Full guide
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Thought Field Therapy
Problem-specific tapping sequences designed to reset an emotional reaction in minutes. Some people use it for a jolt of fear of rejection. Full guide
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Havening
Gentle self-touch combined with simple mental tasks, used to ease distress. People use it to self-soothe when abandonment fears flare up. Full guide
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Somatic Experiencing
A gentle, body-focused therapy led by a trained practitioner. People explore it to help the nervous system feel safe with closeness. Full guide
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A planned time-out
When a conversation overwhelms you, stop, take at least 20 minutes doing something calming, then come back. [2]
Everyday practice
Inner work, beliefs & patterns
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Inner Child Healing
Reconnect with and re-parent your younger self to heal old wounds. Attachment patterns often begin in early relationships, so this is a natural place to start. Full guide
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Shadow Work
Meet and integrate the parts of yourself you’ve learned to hide or reject, such as neediness or the wish to run. Full guide
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The Hoffman Process
A seven-day residential course for breaking patterns learned in childhood, including how you learned to love. Full guide
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Big Mind Process
Give a voice to different parts of you, including the part that clings and the part that wants to escape. Full guide
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The Lefkoe Method
A structured process for finding and dissolving a limiting belief. People use it on beliefs such as “I’m too much” or “I can only rely on myself”. Full guide
Everyday habits for security
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Self-compassion
Treat yourself with the kindness you would give a friend. Free guided practices are available from researcher Kristin Neff. [3]
Everyday practice
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Asking directly for what you need
Clear, kind requests, such as asking for a goodnight text, work better than hoping a partner will guess or testing them.
Everyday practice
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Building confidence outside the relationship
Researchers suggest that attachment anxiety eases most in situations that build personal confidence and a more secure sense of self. [4]
Everyday practice
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Leaning on others in small, safe ways
For avoidance, the same researchers point to positive experiences of depending on someone, and finding that they are there for you. [4]
Everyday practice
More methods with their own hub and guide
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Mindfulness
Paying attention to thoughts, feelings and sensations as they arise, without judging them. Courses based on it show benefits for stress and anxiety. People use it to notice anxious thoughts or the urge to withdraw without acting on them straight away. Full guide
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The Work (Byron Katie)
Write down a stressful thought, test it with four questions, then “turn it around”. People use it on painful thoughts such as “If they don’t reply, they don’t love me”. Full guide
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Sedona Method
A short series of questions, such as “Could I let this feeling go?”, for releasing a feeling instead of holding on to it. People use it to let a wave of worry or irritation pass. Full guide
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Ho’oponopono
Traditionally a Hawaiian family process for repairing relationships, and today also a simple four-phrase practice: I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. People use it to make peace with old relationships that shaped how they love. Full guide
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The Emotion Code
An energy-healing approach that aims to identify and release “trapped emotions” from past experiences. Some people use it to work on old hurts they feel are still driving their reactions. Full guide
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CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)
A structured talking therapy that works on unhelpful thoughts and behaviours, and one of the best-studied therapies there is. A therapist can help with the worry, checking and avoidance that insecure attachment can bring. Full guide
Conventional routes
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Emotionally focused couples therapy
An attachment-based couples therapy. In one study of 32 couples, attachment avoidance fell during therapy, anxiety fell for couples who reached a key “softening” stage, and behaviour moved towards security. [5]
Support option
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Individual therapy
A therapist who understands attachment can help you see your pattern and practise new ways of relating. Directories are in Get help & sources.
Support option
Learn more
About anxious and avoidant attachment
What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:
- What attachment styles are
- Anxious attachment
- Avoidant attachment
- The anxious–avoidant trap
- Where attachment styles come from
- Can you change your attachment style?
- If you lean anxious
- If you lean avoidant
- How self-help methods fit in
- Conventional help
- FAQs
What attachment styles are
Attachment theory began with the bond between babies and their caregivers. In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver proposed that romantic love works in a similar way: the bond between adult partners is also an attachment, with the same needs for closeness, comfort and a safe base. [6] Since then, researchers have described how people differ in how they handle closeness and the fear of losing it.
Today, most researchers think of attachment as two dimensions rather than fixed boxes. Attachment anxiety is how much you worry about being rejected or abandoned. Attachment avoidance is how uncomfortable you are with closeness and depending on others. A model by Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz combined your view of yourself and your view of others into four patterns: secure, preoccupied (anxious), dismissing (avoidant) and fearful. [7] The Cleveland Clinic describes four styles in everyday terms: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. [8]
Insecure attachment is common. In a large nationally representative US sample, 59% of adults described themselves as secure, 25% as avoidant and 11% as anxious. [9] So if one of the insecure patterns sounds like you, you are in very good company, and there is a lot you can do.
Anxious attachment
People who lean anxious tend to want closeness very much and fear losing it. The Cleveland Clinic lists signs such as a fear of rejection or abandonment, a strong need for reassurance, putting a partner’s needs before your own, questioning your self-worth, jealousy, and difficulty with boundaries. [10] You might reread messages, feel panicky when a partner is slow to reply, or find it hard to relax until things feel settled again.
None of this is a flaw. It is an attachment system that learned to stay on high alert. Anxiously attached people are often warm, loyal, attentive and emotionally tuned in, and those qualities are real strengths once the alarm settles down. If jealousy is a big part of the picture, our guide to overcoming jealousy can help too.
Avoidant attachment
People who lean avoidant value independence and can feel uneasy when others get very close. The Cleveland Clinic describes a high need for independence, self-reliance for emotional support, discomfort with emotional intimacy and a tendency to withdraw when someone gets too close. It adds that people with this style can feel love and want close relationships; it is often old beliefs, such as that showing feelings is weak, that get in the way. [11]
Avoidant people are often capable, calm in a crisis and good at looking after themselves. The work is not to lose that independence but to add the ability to let someone in, little by little. If commitment itself feels frightening, our guide to fear of commitment goes further.
The anxious–avoidant trap
Anxious and avoidant partners often find each other, and the pairing can be intense. The Cleveland Clinic describes the push-pull: the more one person seeks reassurance or closeness, the more the other withdraws. [11] Each person’s strategy sets off the other’s fear, and round it goes.
Both patterns affect how happy couples feel. A meta-analysis of 73 studies, covering more than 21,000 people, found that both attachment anxiety and avoidance were linked to lower relationship quality. Avoidance was more strongly linked to lower satisfaction, connectedness and support, and anxiety more strongly linked to conflict. [12] The helpful message is that both partners have something specific to work on, and small changes from either side can ease the whole cycle.
The first step is to see the cycle as the problem, rather than each other. Our guide to better communication in relationships covers the demand–withdraw pattern in more detail.
Where attachment styles come from
Attachment styles are thought to have roots in early caregiving, but the story is more hopeful than “your childhood decides everything”. A review of longitudinal research by Chris Fraley and Glenn Roisman found that links between early care and adult attachment are real but weak, and concluded that early experiences do not determine adult outcomes. [13] Later relationships, friendships, life events and your own efforts all shape how secure you feel.
Can you change your attachment style?
Yes. Attachment styles are fairly stable, but they are not fixed. In one study that followed young women over two years, some people’s attachment styles shifted over time. [14] Researchers now describe how relationships themselves can build security. The Attachment Security Enhancement Model suggests that attachment anxiety eases most in situations that build personal confidence and a more secure sense of self, while avoidance eases most through positive experiences of depending on a partner. [4]
Therapy can help too. In a study of emotionally focused couple therapy, couples’ attachment avoidance fell over the course of therapy, attachment anxiety fell for couples who completed a key stage called a “blamer softening”, and attachment behaviour moved towards security. Those changes went hand in hand with rising relationship satisfaction. [5] Many people describe this as “earned security”: feeling secure as an adult, whatever your start in life.
If you lean anxious
- Calm your body before you act. When the alarm goes off, tap, breathe slowly or walk before you send a message. A 2025 review of EFT trials found it a promising add-on for anxiety. [1]
- Ask directly. Say what would help you feel secure, kindly and specifically, rather than testing your partner to see if they notice.
- Build a life you love. Friends, interests and goals give you confidence that does not rest on one person, which is exactly what research suggests helps anxiety ease. [4]
- Be kind to yourself. Self-compassion helps you soothe yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do it. [3] Our guide to self-love practices has more ideas.
- Choose steady people. Partners and friends who are consistent and responsive give your nervous system a chance to learn that closeness can be safe.
If you lean avoidant
- Notice the moment you pull away. Ask what you felt just before: often it is a flicker of vulnerability, or fear of being let down.
- Take space, and say when you’ll be back. Space is healthy. Disappearing without a word leaves a partner anxious. A short note about when you will return keeps the bond.
- Practise small acts of reliance. Ask for help with something small, or share one feeling a day. Research suggests that positive experiences of depending on someone are what help avoidance ease. [4]
- Explore old beliefs. Inner work such as Inner Child Healing or Shadow Work can help you see where “I can only rely on myself” came from.
- Appreciate your strengths. Independence and calm are real gifts. You are adding closeness, not giving up who you are.
How self-help methods fit in
Self-help methods work well alongside the steps above. Calming methods such as EFT tapping, Havening and mindfulness help in the moment, when the alarm goes off. Inner-work methods such as Inner Child Healing, The Work and the Lefkoe Method help with the deeper beliefs underneath. Many people combine one of each. If your pattern shows up most when dating, our guide to dating and finding a partner has practical tips, and our guide to codependency recovery helps if you tend to lose yourself in relationships.
Conventional help
A therapist who understands attachment can help you see your pattern and practise new ways of relating, on your own or as a couple. Emotionally focused therapy for couples is built on attachment theory and meets the guidelines for an evidence-based couple therapy. [15] See a doctor or therapist if worry or withdrawal is affecting your sleep, work or wellbeing. Check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.
Frequently asked questions
What are the main attachment styles?
Researchers usually describe secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissing) and fearful or disorganised patterns. Many now see attachment as two dimensions: anxiety about rejection and avoidance of closeness. [7] [8]
How common is insecure attachment?
Very common. In a nationally representative US sample, 59% of adults described themselves as secure, 25% as avoidant and 11% as anxious. [9]
Can an anxious and an avoidant partner make it work?
Yes, with awareness from both sides. Both patterns are linked to lower relationship quality, but in different ways, so each partner has something specific to work on. [12] Seeing the cycle as the problem, rather than each other, is the first step.
Can I change my attachment style?
Yes. Attachment styles can shift over time, [14] and researchers describe how confidence-building experiences ease anxiety, while positive experiences of depending on someone ease avoidance. [4]
Does my childhood decide my attachment style?
No. Early care plays a part, but a review of longitudinal research found the links are weak and concluded that early experiences do not determine adult outcomes. [13]
Does couples therapy help with attachment?
It can. In a study of emotionally focused couple therapy, attachment avoidance fell, anxiety fell for couples who reached a key stage, and behaviour moved towards security. [5]
What can I do today if I feel anxious about my relationship?
Calm your body first, with tapping, slow breathing or a walk, then ask kindly and directly for what you need. A 2025 review found EFT a promising add-on for anxiety. [1]
The best videos on anxious and avoidant attachment
Hand-picked and checked one by one: researchers and therapists on attachment, plus guided tapping.
Understand attachment
Healing your pattern
Tapping for attachment
Books on anxious and avoidant attachment
Free resources
Experts to follow
Get help
Get professional help if worry about your relationship, or the urge to withdraw, is affecting your sleep, work or wellbeing, or if the same pattern keeps repeating. A doctor can point you to local therapists, and many counsellors work online.
Find a therapist or counsellor
- US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
- UK: BACP therapist directory.
- Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
- Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.
This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.
Sources
- Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
- The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion.org (free exercises and guided practices)
- Arriaga et al. (2018), Revising working models across time: relationship situations that enhance attachment security, Personality and Social Psychology Review 22(1):71-96
- Burgess Moser et al. (2016), Changes in relationship-specific attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 42(2):231-245
- Hazan & Shaver (1987), Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52(3):511-524
- Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991), Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 61(2):226-244
- Cleveland Clinic, Attachment styles
- Mickelson, Kessler & Shaver (1997), Adult attachment in a nationally representative sample, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 73(5):1092-1106
- Cleveland Clinic, What is anxious attachment style?
- Cleveland Clinic, What is an avoidant attachment style?
- Li & Chan (2012), How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: a meta-analytic review, European Journal of Social Psychology 42(4):406-419
- Fraley & Roisman (2019), The development of adult attachment styles: four lessons, Current Opinion in Psychology 25:26-30
- Davila, Burge & Hammen (1997), Why does attachment style change?, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 73(4):826-838
- Wiebe & Johnson (2016), A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples, Family Process 55(3):390-407
Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.