Anger & Resentment

About anger and resentment

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What anger is
• Anger can be healthy
• What resentment is
• Anger in the body
• Early warning signs
• Common triggers
• Why venting doesn’t help
• Cooling down in the moment
• Stepping back to reflect
• What your anger is telling you
• Expressing anger well
• Letting go of resentment
• Daily habits for a calmer you
• Anger in relationships
• Anger at work
• Anger at yourself
• A practice for releasing resentment
• Anger after loss and change
• How self-help methods fit in
• When to get support
• FAQs

What anger is

Anger is a natural emotion that arises when we feel wronged, threatened, frustrated or treated unfairly. It ranges from mild irritation to intense rage. Like all emotions, it comes and goes, and it carries useful information. You can explore related topics in our Wellness hub.

Anger can be healthy

Psychologist Ryan Martin, who studies anger, describes it as a healthy emotion that alerts us to injustice and energises us to act. Anger has fuelled many positive changes, from standing up for ourselves to standing up for others. The aim isn’t to stop feeling angry. It is to feel anger without being controlled by it, and to use its energy wisely.

What resentment is

Resentment is anger that lingers. It often follows a hurt we feel was unfair and was never put right. We replay what happened, rehearse what we should have said and feel the sting again and again. Resentment can feel protective, but it often costs more than it gives: our peace, our sleep and sometimes our relationships. Letting go of resentment doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay. It means choosing to free yourself from carrying it.

Anger in the body

Anger triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response. Your heart beats faster, your breathing quickens, your muscles tense and stress hormones rise. This is why anger can feel so physical, and why calming the body is such an effective way to cool it. The NHS describes physical signs including clenched fists, a tight chest and feeling hot. [3]

Early warning signs

The earlier you notice anger building, the easier it is to cool down. Common early signs include:

• A clenched jaw or fists.
• A hot or flushed face.
• A tight chest or faster heartbeat.
• Raised voice or quick speech.
• Thoughts like “How dare they” or “This always happens.”
• Feeling impatient, irritable or on edge.

Try rating your anger from 0 to 10 through the day. Learning what a 3 feels like helps you act before you reach an 8.

Common triggers

• Feeling disrespected or ignored.
• Unfairness or broken promises.
• Frustration when things don’t go to plan.
• Stress and tiredness, which shorten anyone’s fuse. See our guide to stress management.
• Hunger. Being “hangry” is real.
• Old hurts that a new situation brings back.
• Other feelings underneath, such as hurt, fear, shame or anxiety.

Why venting doesn’t help

It is a popular idea that letting anger out, by shouting, hitting a pillow or punching a bag, releases it. Research suggests the opposite. In a well-known experiment, psychologist Brad Bushman found that people who hit a punching bag while thinking about someone who had annoyed them felt angrier and acted more aggressively afterwards than people who simply sat quietly. [4] A later meta-analysis of 154 studies found that activities that calm the body, such as slow breathing, mindfulness, meditation and relaxation, reduced anger and aggression, while activities that increase arousal did not reliably help. [1] The message is encouraging: calming down works better than letting rip. There is a short TED talk on this in Videos.

Cooling down in the moment

When anger flares, try these, based on calming the body first:

1. Pause. Notice: “I’m getting angry.”
2. Breathe slowly. Breathe in for four, out for six to eight. Long out-breaths calm the nervous system.
3. Count to ten. The NHS suggests counting to 10 to give yourself time to calm down. [3]
4. Relax your muscles. Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw and open your hands.
5. Take a break. Step away for 20 minutes or so. Let the other person know you will come back.
6. Move gently. A walk can help clear your head.
7. Tap. A few rounds of EFT tapping can take the edge off. There are guided tap-alongs in Videos.

Stepping back to reflect

When we replay an angry situation from inside it, we often relive the feeling. Psychologists Ethan Kross, Ozlem Ayduk and Walter Mischel found that reflecting on an angry experience from a distanced perspective, as if watching yourself from the outside, allowed people to understand it without reigniting the hot feelings. [5] Try this: picture the situation as if watching a film of it from the back of a cinema, and ask, “Why did that person feel the way they did? What led to this?” You can also try talking to yourself by name: “Why is Sam so upset about this?”

What your anger is telling you

Anger often points to something important. Once you are calm, ask:

• What happened that felt unfair or hurtful?
• What need of mine wasn’t met? Respect, fairness, safety, being heard?
• Is there another feeling underneath, such as hurt, fear or disappointment?
• What would help now?

Sometimes the answer is to speak up. Sometimes it is to set a boundary. Sometimes it is to let it go.

Expressing anger well

Healthy expression is calm, clear and focused on the issue, not the person:

• Wait until you are calm.
• Use “I” statements: “I felt let down when the plan changed without warning.”
• Describe the behaviour, not the person’s character.
• Say what you need: “Next time, could you let me know earlier?”
• Listen to the other side.

Our guides to setting boundaries and conflict resolution have more.

Letting go of resentment

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It doesn’t mean excusing what happened, forgetting it or reconciling with the person. It means releasing the grip of the hurt so it stops controlling you. A meta-analysis of 54 studies found that forgiveness interventions helped people forgive and also reduced low mood and anxiety and increased hope. [2] Approaches include:

• Writing: write about the hurt, how it affected you and what you have learned. You don’t need to send it.
• Empathy: consider, without excusing, what might have shaped the other person’s behaviour.
• Ho’oponopono: repeating the four phrases while thinking of the situation.
• The Work: questioning thoughts such as “They should have known better.”
• Tapping: tapping on the resentment until the charge fades.

Forgiveness is often a process rather than a single moment. Be patient with yourself. It is fine to forgive a little at a time, and to come back to the same hurt more than once.

Daily habits for a calmer you

• Sleep well. Tiredness shortens the fuse. See our guide to sleep.
• Move your body. The NHS suggests exercise such as walking, swimming or yoga. [3]
• Practise calm daily, even five minutes of breathing or meditation.
• Eat regularly.
• Reduce stress where you can.
• Talk things through with someone you trust.
• Make time for fun and connection.

Anger in relationships

Anger often shows up most with the people closest to us. Agree a time-out signal with your partner or family, so either of you can pause a heated conversation and return to it later. Notice patterns: do arguments start when you are tired or hungry? Listen for the hurt beneath the other person’s anger, as well as your own. If jealousy fuels anger, our guide to overcoming jealousy may help.

Anger at work

Work is a common source of frustration: heavy workloads, unfair decisions, difficult colleagues or feeling unheard. Some ideas that help:

• Pause before replying to an email or message that makes you angry. Write a draft, then wait an hour before sending.
• Take short breaks to walk or breathe when tension builds.
• Focus on what you can influence, and raise issues calmly with the right person.
• Leave work at work. A short routine at the end of the day, such as a walk or a few minutes of breathing, helps you switch off.

If work anger is part of feeling exhausted and cynical about your job, our guide to burnout may help.

Anger at yourself

Sometimes the anger is turned inward: frustration at a mistake, harsh self-criticism or replaying things you wish you had done differently. The same tools apply. Notice the anger, calm your body and then ask what you can learn. Try speaking to yourself as you would to a good friend. Mistakes are part of being human. Our guides to self-esteem and self-love practices have ideas for a kinder inner voice.

A simple practice for releasing resentment

Set aside ten minutes when you won’t be disturbed. Think of a resentment that is still with you, and rate how strong it feels from 0 to 10.

1. Breathe: take a few slow breaths and notice where you feel the resentment in your body.
2. Welcome it: allow the feeling to be there, without pushing it away.
3. Ask: “Could I let this go, even a little?” Then “Would I?” Then “When?” These are the Sedona Method’s releasing questions.
4. Offer peace: silently repeat the Ho’oponopono phrases: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”
5. Rate it again. Notice any shift, however small.

Repeat over several days. Resentments that have been held for a long time often soften gradually.

Anger after loss and big life changes

Anger is a common part of grief, heartbreak and other big changes. You might feel angry at the situation, at other people, at yourself or even at someone you have lost. This is a normal part of adjusting, and it usually eases with time and support. Let yourself feel it safely, talk about it with someone you trust and be gentle with yourself. If anger after a loss turns into lasting low mood, see our guide to depression. Our guides to grief and loss and heartbreak and breakups have more.

How self-help methods fit in

Anger lives in both the body and the mind, so many people combine calming methods with methods that work on thoughts. Mindfulness, meditation and relaxation calm the body, which research supports for reducing anger. [1] EFT tapping and the Sedona Method help release the charge. The Work and Ho’oponopono help you let go of resentment.

When to get support

A meta-analysis found that anger treatments, including cognitive approaches and relaxation, generally help, with medium-to-large effects. [6] Consider support if anger is damaging your relationships, work or health, if it feels out of control, or if you have hurt or frightened someone. An anger management course or a therapist can help, and your doctor can advise on options. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.

Frequently asked questions

Is anger a bad emotion?

No. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that signals something matters. The aim is to manage it well, not to stop feeling it.

Does venting anger help?

Research suggests not. Hitting a punching bag while thinking of the person increased anger and aggression, while calming activities reduced it. [4]

How can I calm down quickly when angry?

Slow your breathing, with long out-breaths, count to ten, relax your muscles and take a short break. Calming activities reduce anger. [1]

What is resentment?

Resentment is anger that lingers after a hurt, often one that feels unfair and was never put right. It tends to keep the hurt alive.

How do I let go of a grudge?

Writing about it, empathy, forgiveness practices, The Work, Ho’oponopono and tapping can all help. Forgiveness interventions have been shown to increase forgiveness and hope. [2]

Does forgiveness mean saying it was okay?

No. Forgiveness means releasing the grip of the hurt on you. It doesn’t require excusing, forgetting or reconciling.

Does anger management work?

Yes. A meta-analysis found anger treatments generally had medium-to-large effects. [6]

The best videos on anger and resentment

Hand-picked and checked one by one: anger researchers, psychologists and teachers, plus guided meditation and tapping.

Understanding anger

Meditation for anger and resentment

Tapping for anger

Books on anger and resentment

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

Talk to your doctor if anger feels out of control or is affecting your relationships, work or health. Anger management courses and talking therapies can help.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Kjærvik & Bushman (2024), A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal, Clinical Psychology Review 109:102414
2. Wade et al. (2014), Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82(1):154-170
3. NHS, Anger
4. Bushman (2002), Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 28(6):724-731
5. Kross, Ayduk & Mischel (2005), When asking “why” does not hurt: distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions, Psychological Science 16(9):709-715
6. Del Vecchio & O’Leary (2004), Effectiveness of anger treatments for specific anger problems: a meta-analytic review, Clinical Psychology Review 24(1):15-34

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.