About rebuilding trust after infidelity

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What infidelity is
• Why it hurts so much
• Can a relationship recover?
• The three stages of rebuilding trust
• If you were betrayed
• If you had the affair
• Forgiveness, at your own pace
• How self-help methods fit in
• Conventional help
• FAQs

What infidelity is

Infidelity means different things to different couples. For some it means sex with someone else. For others, an intimate emotional relationship, secret messaging or online contact counts just as much. The Gottmans define an affair as a secret emotional or sexual liaison with someone other than your partner that breaks your agreement to be exclusive and threatens your relationship. [4] What matters most is the agreement the two of you had, and the secrecy.

Infidelity is common. Research summaries put the share of American marriages affected at between 20% and 40%. [8] So if this has happened to you, you are far from alone, and many couples have walked this road before you and come through it.

Why it hurts so much

An affair hits several things at once: your trust in your partner, your sense of your shared past, and often your confidence in yourself. Many betrayed partners describe shock, racing thoughts, intrusive images, trouble sleeping and eating, and swings between rage, sadness and wanting to be close. These reactions are normal responses to a big shock, and they usually ease with time and support.

The person who had the affair often struggles too: with guilt, shame, fear of losing the relationship, and sometimes grief for the affair itself. Both people need support, and both sets of feelings can be true at the same time.

One helpful thing to know is that the feelings come in waves. A good day can be followed by a hard one, often set off by a date, a place or a song. That is not a sign that recovery is failing. It is how the mind processes a big hurt.

Can a relationship recover?

Yes, many do. In one study, researchers followed couples from a large randomised trial of couples therapy for five years. Couples who stayed together after an affair was brought into the open were as stable and satisfied as other couples five years on, and their satisfaction kept rising over time. Openness mattered: couples where the affair stayed secret were far more likely to separate. [8]

In the same trial, couples who revealed an affair before or during therapy started out more distressed than other couples, but improved more in satisfaction over the course of therapy. The authors called their paper “optimism in the face of betrayal”. [9] A separate replicated case study tested an integrative treatment designed for affair recovery: most couples were less distressed by the end, and injured partners reported more forgiveness. [6]

Recovery does not mean going back to exactly how things were. Many couples describe building a new relationship, with more honest conversation about needs, sex, money and time, than they had before. If you decide to separate instead, that can be a healthy choice too, and our guide to heartbreak and breakups can help.

The three stages of rebuilding trust

The best-known roadmap is the Trust Revival Method, developed by Drs John and Julie Gottman from their work with couples. It has three phases: atone, attune and attach. [4] Its effectiveness is being studied in a randomised clinical trial. [10]

1. Atone. The partner who had the affair expresses remorse, answers questions honestly and is fully transparent. They also have to be willing to sit with their partner’s pain without getting defensive. This is a working-through of anger, fear, guilt and shame, and it takes patience on both sides. [4] [10]
2. Attune. The couple turns to the relationship itself: processing the hurt, understanding what each person needs, and learning healthier ways to handle conflict so both feel heard. This is where the blueprint for the “new relationship” is drawn up. [4]
3. Attach. With the main challenges addressed, the couple works on rebuilding emotional and physical closeness, including talking openly about sex, and creating new shared rituals of connection. [4]

There is no set timetable. Some couples move through the stages in months, others take a year or more, and it is normal to circle back to an earlier stage after a hard day. The Gottmans’ book What Makes Love Last? covers the method in detail, and our guide to marriage and long-term partnership has more on keeping closeness alive.

If you were betrayed

Your first job is to look after yourself. Here are some things many people find helpful.

1. Look after your body. Eat something, drink water, walk, and protect your sleep as best you can. Shock is exhausting.
2. Calm the waves as they come. Tapping, slow breathing or a short walk can take the edge off a surge of anger or panic. A 2025 review of EFT trials found it a promising add-on for anxiety. [1]
3. Ask your questions, in a planned way. Many therapists suggest setting a time to talk rather than asking questions at 2am. Write them down in between.
4. Choose who you tell. One or two trusted people can be a lifeline. Telling everyone can make it harder to rebuild later if you decide to stay.
5. Be kind to yourself. An affair is not proof that you were not enough. Self-compassion exercises can help you speak to yourself as you would to a friend. [5]
6. Take your time over big decisions. You are allowed to wait until the shock settles before deciding whether to stay or go.

If you had the affair

If you want to repair the relationship, the most important thing you can do is take responsibility without excuses. That means ending contact with the affair partner, answering questions honestly, and accepting that your partner may need to ask the same question many times. [4]

• Be transparent. Openness about your phone, plans and whereabouts is not a punishment. It gives your partner evidence that they can start to trust you again.
• Expect waves. Your partner may seem fine one day and furious the next. Staying steady and non-defensive through those waves is a big part of atonement. [10]
• Understand your own why. Many people find it helps to explore, ideally with a therapist, what led to the affair. Inner work such as Shadow Work or Inner Child Healing can help you understand old patterns.
• Look after yourself too. Guilt and shame are heavy. A therapist of your own can help you carry them without collapsing or getting defensive.

Forgiveness, at your own pace

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, excusing what happened or getting back together. It is letting go of the grip that resentment has on you, and it can happen gradually. Therapists who specialise in affairs describe forgiveness as a central part of healing for couples who want to reconcile. One clinical model focuses on four things that help it along: empathy, humility, commitment and apology. [11]

Forgiveness can be learned. A meta-analysis of 54 reports found that people who took part in structured forgiveness interventions forgave more than people who had no treatment, and also had bigger improvements in depression, anxiety and hope. [3] Practices such as Ho’oponopono, The Work and loving-kindness meditation are popular ways people work on forgiveness on their own.

How self-help methods fit in

Self-help methods are most useful for the feelings that make recovery hard: the shock, the replaying, the anger and the self-doubt. Many people combine a calming practice, such as EFT tapping or relaxation, with an inner-work method and, where both partners are willing, couples therapy. You can start with one method today and add others as you go. Our guides to overcoming jealousy and better communication have more skills for the months ahead.

Conventional help

Couples therapy helps many distressed couples. A meta-analysis of 30 randomised trials found behavioural marital therapy more effective than no treatment. [12] Emotionally focused couples therapy, which works on the attachment bond, has been tested in randomised trials and meets the guidelines for an evidence-based couple therapy. [13] [7] Look for a therapist with specific training in affair recovery, and check that they are registered or accredited where you live. If your partner will not come, a therapist of your own can still help a great deal. See a doctor if you cannot sleep, eat or function for more than a few weeks. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.

Frequently asked questions

Can trust really be rebuilt after an affair?

Yes, for many couples. In a five-year study, couples who stayed together after an affair came into the open were as stable and satisfied as other couples, and their satisfaction kept rising. [8]

How long does it take to get over infidelity?

There is no set timetable. Many couples take a year or more, and feelings come in waves. The Gottmans’ Trust Revival Method moves through three phases, atone, attune and attach, at each couple’s own pace. [4]

Should I stay or leave after being cheated on?

Only you can decide, and you do not have to decide straight away. Ask yourself whether your partner is taking full responsibility, whether you both want to rebuild, and whether you can picture a better relationship. A therapist can help you think it through.

Does couples therapy help after an affair?

It can. In one trial, couples who revealed an affair started out more distressed but improved more in satisfaction during therapy than other couples. [9] Look for a therapist trained in affair recovery.

How do I stop picturing the affair?

Intrusive images are common and usually fade with time. Many people use EFT tapping, slow breathing or Havening when an image hits. A 2025 review found EFT a promising add-on for anxiety. [1]

Do I have to forgive to move on?

No one can force forgiveness, and it is not the same as excusing what happened. But it can be learned: forgiveness interventions led to more forgiveness and less depression and anxiety in a meta-analysis of 54 reports. [3]

What should the partner who cheated do?

Take responsibility without excuses, end contact with the affair partner, answer questions honestly and be transparent. Remorse and transparency are the first phase of the Trust Revival Method. [4]

The best videos on rebuilding trust after infidelity

Hand-picked and checked one by one: therapists and researchers on affairs and trust, plus guided tapping.

Understand infidelity and recovery

Trust and repair

Tapping for betrayal

Books on rebuilding trust after infidelity

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

Get professional help if the shock is affecting your sleep, health or work for more than a few weeks, if you keep going round in circles, or if you would like help deciding what to do. A doctor can point you to local therapists, and many couples counsellors work online.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
2. The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
3. Wade et al. (2014), Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82(1):154-170
4. The Gottman Institute, An International Affair: Exploring Infidelity across the Globe
5. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion.org (free exercises and guided practices)
6. Gordon, Baucom & Snyder (2004), An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 30(2):213-231
7. Wiebe & Johnson (2016), A review of the research in emotionally focused therapy for couples, Family Process 55(3):390-407
8. Marín, Christensen & Atkins (2014), Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following therapy, Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice 3(1):1-12
9. Atkins et al. (2005), Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: optimism in the face of betrayal, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 73(1):144-150
10. The Gottman Institute, Practical, Science-Based Steps to Heal from an Affair
11. Fife, Weeks & Stellberg-Filbert (2013), Facilitating forgiveness in the treatment of infidelity: an interpersonal model, Journal of Family Therapy 35(4):343-367
12. Shadish & Baldwin (2005), Effects of Behavioral Marital Therapy: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 73(1):6-14
13. Johnson et al. (1999), Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges, Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 6(1):67-79

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.