Forgiveness in Relationships

About forgiveness in relationships

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What is forgiveness?
• What forgiveness isn’t
• Why forgiveness matters in relationships
• What helps people forgive
• The REACH model
• Making room for your feelings
• Building empathy
• How to ask for forgiveness
• Forgiving yourself
• Forgiveness for couples
• Forgiveness in families and friendships
• Forgiveness and trust
• Ho’oponopono
• The Work of Byron Katie
• The Sedona Method
• Loving-kindness meditation
• A gentle 30-day plan
• How self-help methods fit in
• FAQs

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a choice to let go of resentment, bitterness and the wish to get even with someone who has hurt you. Over time, it often brings a softer, kinder feeling toward that person, or at least a sense of peace. Psychologists describe forgiveness as a change in motivation: less drive to avoid or retaliate, and more goodwill. [2] Forgiveness is something you do for yourself as much as for the other person, and it can be a gradual process rather than a single moment. You can explore related topics in our Relationships hub, including conflict resolution and rebuilding trust after infidelity.

What forgiveness isn’t

• It isn’t forgetting what happened.
• It isn’t saying the hurt didn’t matter.
• It isn’t excusing harmful behaviour.
• It doesn’t require you to reconcile or stay in a relationship.
• It doesn’t have to happen quickly.

Understanding this can make forgiveness feel much more possible. You can forgive and still have clear boundaries. Our guide to setting boundaries explains how.

Why forgiveness matters in relationships

Close relationships inevitably involve hurt, because we are human and we make mistakes. Forgiveness is how couples, families and friends move past these moments and stay close. In two studies of married couples, forgiveness was linked to better conflict resolution, independent of how satisfied partners were with their marriage. [3] A meta-analysis also found that forgiveness is associated with better wellbeing and relationship outcomes. [4] Letting go of resentment can also free up a lot of mental and emotional energy for the things you love.

What helps people forgive

Research has found several things that make forgiveness easier. Empathy, understanding why the other person acted as they did, is one of the strongest. [2] [4] A sincere apology helps, as does a close, committed relationship and the sense that the hurt was not intended. People who are naturally agreeable also tend to forgive more easily. [4] The encouraging news is that forgiveness can be learned: a meta-analysis by Nathaniel Wade and colleagues found that structured forgiveness programmes increased forgiveness and also reduced depression and anxiety. [1]

The REACH model

Psychologist Everett Worthington developed a popular five-step forgiveness model called REACH:

• Recall the hurt, calmly and without blaming yourself.
• Empathise with the person who hurt you, imagining their side.
• Altruistic gift: remember a time you were forgiven, and offer the same gift.
• Commit to forgiving, perhaps by writing it down.
• Hold on to forgiveness when old feelings return.

Everett Worthington’s TEDx talk, The Keys to Forgiving the Unforgivable, is in Videos.

Making room for your feelings

Forgiveness doesn’t mean skipping over hurt, anger or sadness. These feelings are natural and they deserve attention. Writing about what happened, talking with someone you trust, crying, moving your body or simply sitting with your feelings can all help them pass through. Our guide to anger and resentment has more ideas. When you have given your feelings space, forgiveness often comes more easily.

Building empathy

Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with what someone did. It means trying to understand what was going on for them: their stress, fears, history or blind spots. You might ask yourself: “What might they have been feeling? What pressures were they under? Have I ever done something similar?” Fred Luskin, who founded the Stanford Forgiveness Project, explains how changing the story we tell ourselves can bring peace. His talks are in Videos.

How to ask for forgiveness

If you have hurt someone, a sincere apology can be a powerful step toward healing. A good apology usually includes:

• Saying clearly what you did, without excuses.
• Acknowledging how it affected the other person.
• Expressing genuine regret.
• Saying what you will do differently.
• Offering to make amends where possible.

Then give the other person time. Forgiveness can’t be rushed or demanded, and your patience shows that you care.

Forgiving yourself

Sometimes the person we most need to forgive is ourselves. Self-forgiveness means taking responsibility, learning from what happened and then letting go of harsh self-blame. It makes it easier to repair relationships, because shame often keeps us stuck. Our guide to self-forgiveness and guilt walks you through it.

Forgiveness for couples

In a couple, small hurts can build up if they aren’t repaired. Happy couples aren’t those who never fight, but those who repair well. John and Julie Gottman’s TED talk in Videos explains how. Helpful habits include talking about hurts calmly and soon, listening without defending, apologising for your part, accepting repair attempts and letting go of past arguments rather than bringing them up again. After a bigger betrayal, such as infidelity, forgiveness usually takes longer and works best alongside rebuilding trust, often with a couples counsellor. Our guide to rebuilding trust after infidelity can help.

Forgiveness in families and friendships

Family hurts can go back many years, and friendships can be strained by misunderstandings or drifting apart. Forgiveness can open the door to a warmer relationship, or simply help you feel at peace even if the relationship stays distant. Our guide to family and parent relationships explores this further, and our guide to letting go of the past has gentle ways to release old hurt.

Forgiveness and trust

Forgiveness and trust are different. You can forgive someone and still need time, and evidence of change, before you trust them again. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions: keeping promises, being open and showing care over time. It’s fine to let trust grow gradually.

Ho’oponopono

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation. A popular modern version uses four phrases: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” Repeating them while holding a relationship or memory in mind can bring a sense of release and peace. Joe Vitale talks about using it with loved ones in Videos, and you can read more on Joe Vitale’s page.

The Work of Byron Katie

The Work uses four questions to explore painful thoughts, such as “He should have listened to me”: Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true? How do you react when you believe that thought? Who would you be without the thought? You then turn the thought around to find other perspectives. Many people find this loosens resentment and brings understanding. Byron Katie shows how in Videos, and you can read more on Byron Katie’s page.

The Sedona Method

The Sedona Method offers simple questions to help you let go of feelings in the moment, such as: “Could I let this resentment go? Would I? When?” Many people use it to release anger and hurt gently, without having to analyse every detail.

Loving-kindness meditation

Loving-kindness meditation involves silently wishing well to yourself, loved ones, neutral people and eventually people you find difficult: “May you be happy. May you be at peace.” It is a lovely way to soften the heart. Kristin Neff’s guided practice is in Videos, and our meditation guide has more.

A gentle 30-day plan

Week 1: Feel. Write about the hurt and how it has affected you.

Week 2: Understand. Try to see the situation from the other person’s side. Use The Work on one painful thought.

Week 3: Release. Practise Ho’oponopono or the Sedona Method for a few minutes each day.

Week 4: Choose. Decide what forgiveness means for you, and what, if anything, you want to say or do next.

How self-help methods fit in

Ho’oponopono, The Work and the Sedona Method each offer a gentle way to let go of resentment. Nonviolent Communication helps with healing conversations, and inner child healing can soothe older hurts that today’s pain stirs up. These work well alongside support from a counsellor. You can see every method we cover in the full list above.

Frequently asked questions

What does it mean to forgive someone?

Letting go of resentment and the wish to get even, and often developing more goodwill over time. [2]

Does forgiving mean I have to stay in the relationship?

No. Forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation. You can forgive and still keep clear boundaries or move on.

Can you learn to forgive?

Yes. Structured forgiveness programmes increased forgiveness and reduced depression and anxiety. [1]

How does forgiveness help a marriage?

Forgiveness is linked to better conflict resolution between spouses. [3]

What is the REACH model?

Everett Worthington’s five steps: Recall, Empathise, Altruistic gift, Commit and Hold on to forgiveness.

How do I ask for forgiveness?

Say what you did without excuses, acknowledge the hurt, express regret, say what you’ll change and give the other person time.

Is forgiveness the same as trust?

No. You can forgive someone and still need time and consistent actions before you trust them again.

The best videos on forgiveness in relationships

Hand-picked and checked one by one: CBS News, TEDx, the World Happiness Summit, TED, the Gottman Institute, Byron Katie, Joe Vitale and Dr Kristin Neff.

The power of forgiveness

Forgiveness for couples

Practices for letting go

Books on forgiveness in relationships

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

If a relationship feels unsafe, please reach out to someone you trust.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Wade et al. (2014), Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82(1):154-170
2. McCullough, Worthington and Rachal (1997), Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 73(2):321-336
3. Fincham, Beach and Davila (2004), Forgiveness and conflict resolution in marriage, Journal of Family Psychology 18(1):72-81
4. Riek and Mania (2012), The antecedents and consequences of interpersonal forgiveness: a meta-analytic review, Personal Relationships 19(2):304-325

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 3 November 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.