Compatibility Quiz

About relationship compatibility

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What compatibility means
• The compatibility quiz
• Reading your results
• Do you need to be alike?
• Shared values and attitudes
• Personality and attachment
• Beyond the spark
• Appreciation
• Turning towards each other
• Handling differences
• The power of positivity
• Building closeness
• Compatibility when dating
• Signs of a healthy relationship
• How self-help methods fit in
• FAQs

What compatibility means

Compatibility is often imagined as a perfect match: the same hobbies, the same tastes, the same personality. Research tells a more hopeful story. In a large study that combined 43 couples studies from 29 laboratories, the strongest predictors of relationship quality were features of the relationship itself, such as feeling that your partner is committed, feeling appreciated and handling conflict well, rather than individual traits. [1] In other words, compatibility is something couples build together through how they treat each other. That means it can grow. This guide includes a private quiz to help you reflect, along with research-based ideas for nurturing a strong, happy connection. You can explore more in our Relationships hub.

Reading your results

The quiz is for reflection, not a verdict. Its questions are inspired by the relationship qualities researchers have found most strongly linked with relationship quality, such as perceived commitment, appreciation, satisfaction and how conflict is handled. [1] Treat your answers as a map. Strengths are worth celebrating and nurturing, and lower answers are invitations for a gentle conversation. If you took it together, notice where your answers match and where they differ, and ask each other, “What would help this feel more like a yes for you?” Choose one area to focus on for a month, then retake the quiz every few months to see how things are growing.

Do you need to be alike?

Many people believe partners need to be very similar. A meta-analysis by Matthew Montoya and colleagues combined 313 studies of similarity and attraction. Actual similarity mattered most when people had not interacted or had only interacted briefly, and its effect was not significant in existing relationships. Perceived similarity, feeling that you are alike, predicted attraction across all types of studies, including existing relationships. [2] In everyday terms, sharing every interest is not essential. Feeling understood, and feeling that you are on the same wavelength, may matter more. Couples can grow that sense of shared understanding by talking openly, sharing experiences and staying curious about each other.

Shared values and attitudes

Partners often share values and attitudes. In a study of 291 newlywed couples, Shanhong Luo and Eva Klohnen found that spouses showed substantial similarity on attitude-related areas but little on personality. [3] Many couples find that talking about values brings clarity and closeness. Useful topics include how you each like to treat other people, what family means to you, how you think about money, where you might like to live, and what you hope for in the future. You do not need to agree on everything. What helps is understanding each other’s views and finding ways to respect and support them. Our guide to better communication can help these conversations go smoothly.

Personality and attachment

Personality also plays a role. In the same newlywed study, Luo and Klohnen found that similarity in personality-related areas was positively linked with marital quality, and that similarity in attachment characteristics was the strongest predictor of satisfaction. [3] Attachment describes how we tend to seek closeness and handle distance in relationships. Learning about your own attachment patterns, and your partner’s, can help you understand each other’s needs and respond with more kindness. Our guide to anxious and avoidant attachment explains these patterns and how couples can create more security together. Psych2Go’s video on four love types in Videos offers a playful way to think about personality and love.

Beyond the spark

Many of us look for an instant spark as a sign of compatibility. In her IMO podcast conversation with Michelle Obama in Videos, Logan Ury explains why the spark isn’t the best sign of compatibility when dating. The School of Life offers two short films in Videos on how to know when you have found a great partner and the requirements of a good relationship, and Alain de Botton shares why he thinks compatibility is overrated. A useful approach is to notice how you feel with someone over time: Do you feel calm, respected and free to be yourself? Do they show kindness in small ways? These qualities may say more about long-term happiness than butterflies on a first date.

Appreciation

Appreciation was one of the strongest relationship-specific predictors of relationship quality in the 43-study analysis. [1] Appreciation is something any couple can grow. Thank your partner for small things, such as making tea, listening after a long day or remembering something important to you. Notice what they do well and tell them. Some couples share one thing they appreciated about each other at the end of each day. Over time, this habit helps both people feel valued and seen. Our guide to self-love practices also shows how appreciating yourself can make it easier to give and receive appreciation.

Turning towards each other

Small moments of connection add up. The Gottman Institute describes bids for connection, such as a comment, a question, a smile or a touch, and reports that in a six-year follow-up of newlyweds, couples who stayed married turned towards each other 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who divorced. [4] Turning towards can be as simple as looking up and responding warmly when your partner says, “Look at this.” John Gottman’s TEDx talk on the science of love is in Videos. Try noticing your partner’s bids this week and responding with interest. Many couples find this one habit brings a surprising sense of warmth and teamwork.

Handling differences

Every couple has differences, and conflict was one of the key predictors identified in the 43-study analysis. [1] The aim is not to avoid disagreements but to handle them with care. The NIH social wellness toolkit suggests disagreeing respectfully, not letting conflicts turn into personal attacks, and compromising so agreements work for everyone. [5] Start gently, speak about your own feelings, listen to understand and take a break if things get heated. The Gottmans’ TED talk in Videos explains that even healthy couples fight, and that the difference is how. Our guide to conflict resolution offers step-by-step ideas.

The power of positivity

Positive moments help relationships weather the hard ones. The Gottman Institute explains that it takes about five positive interactions to balance each negative one, and that negative moments happen in healthy relationships too but are quickly repaired. [6] Positive interactions can be small: a smile, a kind word, a hug, a shared joke or a moment of genuine interest. If you notice tension building, try adding more warmth to ordinary moments rather than waiting for a big gesture. Planning regular time together, such as a weekly walk or a simple date night, gives positivity space to grow.

Building closeness

Closeness can be created. In a study led by Arthur Aron, pairs who spent 45 minutes on self-disclosure and relationship-building tasks that gradually increased in intensity felt closer afterwards than pairs who made small talk. [7] This procedure became known as the 36 questions. Greater Good in Action offers a free version and explains that reciprocal self-disclosure, gradually revealing more personal information as the other person does the same, can increase feelings of closeness. [8] Couples can use the questions to rediscover each other. Mandy Len Catron’s TED talk in Videos tells the story of trying the questions, and SciShow Psych explains the science behind them.

Compatibility when dating

If you are dating, compatibility questions can help you choose well. Rather than looking for someone who matches every item on a list, notice how you feel with them over several meetings. Do they show kindness to you and others? Do you feel listened to and respected? Do your hopes for the future seem to fit? Research suggests that perceived similarity, feeling that you are alike, plays a big role in attraction, [2] so pay attention to whether you feel understood. Take your time, enjoy getting to know each other and trust what you see in their actions. Our guide to dating and finding a partner has more ideas.

Signs of a healthy relationship

The NIH social wellness toolkit describes habits that support healthy relationships: sharing your feelings honestly, asking for what you need, listening without judgement or blame, being caring and empathetic, disagreeing respectfully and expecting to be treated with respect and honesty in return. [5] These qualities make a helpful checklist for any relationship. If you notice them in yours, celebrate them. If some are missing, they are skills you can learn together. A strong relationship is not one without challenges, but one where both people feel safe, valued and supported as they face life together.

How self-help methods fit in

Self-help methods can help couples nurture compatibility. Nonviolent communication offers a clear way to talk about differences with care, while mindfulness helps you listen with full attention. Cognitive behavioural therapy techniques can help you notice and reframe unhelpful thoughts about your partner, and meditation builds the calm that makes kinder responses easier. Visualisation can help you imagine the shared future you want to build. You can see every method we cover in the full list above.

Frequently asked questions

What makes two people compatible?

Research suggests relationship experiences such as appreciation, commitment and how conflict is handled matter more than individual traits. [1]

Do couples need to be similar?

A meta-analysis found that perceived similarity predicted attraction in existing relationships, while actual similarity did not. [2]

Is this compatibility quiz scientific?

It is a reflection tool inspired by relationship research, not a diagnostic test. Use it to start kind, curious conversations.

Can compatibility grow over time?

Yes. Many of the strongest predictors of relationship quality are things couples can nurture together, such as appreciation. [1]

What are the 36 questions?

A set of gradually more personal questions from research by Arthur Aron that helped pairs feel closer. [7]

Does the spark matter?

A spark can be lovely, but feeling respected, safe and free to be yourself over time may say more about long-term happiness.

What are signs of a healthy relationship?

Honest sharing, listening without judgement, empathy, respectful disagreement and mutual respect. [5]

The best videos on relationship compatibility

Hand-picked and checked one by one: TED, TEDx, The Gottman Institute, The School of Life, SciShow Psych and Psych2Go.

The science of lasting love

Falling and staying in love

Choosing a partner

Books on relationship compatibility

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

If you’d like extra support, a couples counsellor can help you explore your answers together.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Joel et al. (2020), Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies, PNAS 117(32):19061-19071
2. Montoya, Horton & Kirchner (2008), Is actual similarity necessary for attraction? A meta-analysis of actual and perceived similarity, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 25(6):889-922
3. Luo & Klohnen (2005), Assortative mating and marital quality in newlyweds: a couple-centered approach, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 88(2):304-326
4. The Gottman Institute, Turn toward instead of away
5. National Institutes of Health, Social wellness toolkit
6. The Gottman Institute, The magic relationship ratio, according to science
7. Aron et al. (1997), The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: a procedure and some preliminary findings, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 23(4):363-377
8. Greater Good in Action, 36 questions for increasing closeness

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 31 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.