Long relationships are rewarding and hard. Most couples drift, go through dry spells, argue about the same things and sometimes hurt each other badly. Many also find their way back. This page covers married and long-term couples, including how to rebuild closeness after the spark fades and trust after a betrayal. There are many ways to help, from tapping and inner work to couples therapy. Pick what’s going on for you and we’ll show you where to start.
What’s going on for you?
For the days and weeks after a betrayal, such as an affair.
- Step 1 · Settle your body
EFT Tapping
A round of tapping when the shock, anger or panic hits. Follow along with a video.
- Step 2 · Get support of your own
A therapist or trusted person
You do not have to work out what to do alone. A therapist or a counsellor can listen. See Get help & sources.
- Step 3 · Let big decisions wait
Give it time
You do not have to decide in the first days whether to stay or go. Our guide to rebuilding trust walks through the stages.
Not quite right? See every method for marriage and long-term partnership
For couples who have turned into housemates.
- Step 1 · Do something new together
Shared novelty
Try something neither of you has done: a class, a new walk, a trip. Shared novelty was linked to better relationship quality in research.
- Step 2 · Talk about the drift without blame
A weekly check-in
Fifteen minutes once a week: what went well, what you need, what you would like more of.
- Step 3 · Look at what each of you brings
Shadow Work
Write down what you stopped sharing with each other, and why.
Not quite right? See every method for marriage and long-term partnership
For couples who miss touch, desire or feeling close.
- Step 1 · Talk about it kindly
A calm conversation
Choose a calm moment outside the bedroom, start with what you miss, not what is wrong with your partner.
- Step 2 · Drop the target
Quality over a number
There is no ideal frequency. Research on sex and wellbeing found no extra benefit beyond about once a week.
- Step 3 · Slow down together
Mindfulness for couples
Shared mindfulness practice improved relationship satisfaction in one trial. See Get help & sources.
Not quite right? See every method for marriage and long-term partnership
For when you are tired, hurt or undecided.
- Step 1 · Get a couples therapist
Evidence-based couples therapy
Several couples therapies have been tested in trials, and a good therapist helps you both feel heard.
- Step 2 · Look at your own patterns
Inner Child Healing
What did you learn about love and conflict growing up? Find where it began.
- Step 3 · Soften old resentment
Ho’oponopono
Four simple phrases, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, that many people use to let go of old hurts.
Not quite right? See every method for marriage and long-term partnership
Every method for marriage and long-term partnership
Tapping & calming your body
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EFT Tapping
Tap on acupressure points while naming a feeling; a 2025 review of trials found it a promising add-on for anxiety. [1] Full guide
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Thought Field Therapy
Problem-specific tapping sequences designed to reset an emotional reaction in minutes. Full guide
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Havening
Gentle self-touch combined with simple mental tasks, used to ease distress. People use it to calm a rush of hurt or anger. Full guide
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A planned time-out
When your heart races, stop, take at least 20 minutes doing something calming, then come back to talk. [2]
Everyday practice
Keeping and rebuilding closeness
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Shared novel activities
Trying something new together. In three experiments, a seven-minute novel and arousing task raised couples’ rated relationship quality more than a mundane task. [3]
Everyday practice
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Mindfulness-based relationship enhancement
A programme that teaches couples mindfulness together. In a randomised wait-list trial with relatively happy couples, it improved satisfaction and closeness. [4]
Everyday practice
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Talking about sex and intimacy
A calm, blame-free conversation about what each of you wants, ideally with a couples or sex therapist if you are stuck.
Everyday practice
Rebuilding trust after betrayal
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Couples therapy after an affair
Specialist approaches exist for affair recovery. In a replicated case study of six couples, an integrative treatment left most couples less distressed and injured partners more forgiving. [5]
Support option
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Honest disclosure and transparency
Many therapists advise the person who had the affair to answer questions honestly and be open. Remorse and transparency are the heart of the first phase of the Gottmans’ Trust Revival Method. [6] Full guide
Everyday practice
Inner work, beliefs & patterns
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Inner Child Healing
Reconnect with and re-parent your younger self to heal old wounds. Full guide
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Shadow Work
Meet and integrate the parts of yourself you’ve learned to hide or reject. Full guide
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The Hoffman Process
A seven-day residential course for breaking patterns learned in childhood. Full guide
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Big Mind Process
Give a voice to different parts of you, including the hurt part and the part that wants to stay. Full guide
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NLP
Techniques for changing thought patterns and how you picture the future. Full guide
More methods with their own hub and guide
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Mindfulness
Paying attention to thoughts, feelings and sensations as they arise, without judging them. Courses based on it show benefits for stress and anxiety. Couples use it to stay present with each other and to pause before reacting. Full guide
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Ho’oponopono
Traditionally a Hawaiian family process for repairing relationships, and today also a simple four-phrase practice: I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. People use it to work on forgiveness and letting go of old resentments. Full guide
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The Work (Byron Katie)
Write down a stressful thought, test it with four questions, then “turn it around”. People use it to question painful thoughts such as “They should know what I need”. Full guide
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Sedona Method
A short series of questions, such as “Could I let this feeling go?”, for releasing a feeling instead of holding on to it. People use it to let irritation or hurt pass before it turns into a row. Full guide
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Somatic Experiencing
A gentle, body-focused therapy led by a trained practitioner that helps the nervous system settle after stress. Some people explore it when a betrayal or long strain has left the body on high alert. Full guide
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Hypnosis
A state of focused attention and openness to suggestion, often guided by a trained hypnotherapist or a recording. Some people use it for calm, sleep and confidence during a hard time. Full guide
Couples therapy
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Behavioural couples therapy
A skills-based therapy. A meta-analysis of 30 randomised trials found it more effective than no treatment for distressed couples (d = .585). [7]
Support option
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Emotionally focused couples therapy
A therapy based on attachment that helps couples see and change their negative cycle. Tested in randomised trials. [8]
Support option
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Choosing a therapist
Ask about their training in couples therapy and what to expect over time. Directories are in Get help & sources.
Support option
Learn more
About marriage and long-term partnership
What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:
- How long relationships change
- What predicts trouble
- Keeping closeness and desire alive
- Rebuilding trust after betrayal
- What couples therapy offers
- Staying or leaving
- Conventional help
- FAQs
How long relationships change
Few relationships stay the same. A major review pulled together 115 longitudinal studies, covering more than 45,000 marriages, to understand how the quality and stability of marriage change over time. [9] Researchers describe a typical early decline in relationship quality after the honeymoon period. [3] Ups and downs are normal, and a rough patch does not mean a relationship is over.
Long-term partnership asks you to keep choosing it. Careers, children, money, illness, grief and ageing all put pressure on couples. A relationship can grow stronger through them, or drift apart. Much of what helps is unglamorous: keeping talking, doing things together, staying kind in rows, and fixing things after a bad moment.
What predicts trouble
Researchers have tried to predict which couples will do well or badly. One large project pooled 43 longitudinal studies and found that the strongest predictors of relationship quality were how committed you think your partner is, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, how satisfied you think your partner is, and the level of conflict. It also found that whether a relationship got better or worse over time was largely unpredictable from any of these. [10]
Divorce research adds some detail. In one 14-year study, negative emotion during conflict predicted divorce early in marriage, while a lack of positive emotion, in both conflict and everyday conversation, predicted divorce later. [11] The Gottman Institute calls criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling the “four horsemen” of relationship breakdown. [2] The takeaway is not to avoid conflict. It is that how you treat each other in conflict, and how much warmth is left outside it, both matter.
Keeping closeness and desire alive
Do new things together. Psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues used surveys and three laboratory experiments to look at shared participation in novel and arousing activities. In the experiments, couples who did a seven-minute novel and arousing task together showed a bigger increase in rated relationship quality than those who did a more mundane task. [3] They back the idea that variety and a little shared adventure help keep a relationship lively.
Do not chase a number for sex. Across three studies of 30,645 people, sexual frequency was linked to wellbeing and relationship satisfaction, but the link levelled off: for people in relationships, there was no significant extra benefit beyond about once a week. [12] It is a good reminder that quality, comfort and closeness matter more than a target.
Try practising mindfulness together. Mindfulness-Based Relationship Enhancement (MBRE) is a structured programme for couples. In a randomised, wait-list-controlled trial of relatively happy couples, those who took part improved on relationship satisfaction and closeness, and the improvements were kept at the three-month follow-up. [4]
If desire or intimacy is a problem, tell your partner what you miss, not what is wrong with them. A doctor can check for medical or medication causes, and a couples or sex therapist can help with the rest. Our video list includes talks by the therapist Esther Perel on desire in long relationships.
Rebuilding trust after betrayal
Infidelity is common. Research summaries put the prevalence in American marriages at between 20% and 40%. [13] It is deeply painful, and specialist approaches have grown up to help couples recover from it. [5]
Research on recovery offers real hope. One study followed 19 couples with infidelity, taken from a larger randomised trial of couples therapy, for up to five years. Divorce rates were 80% for couples where the affair was kept secret, 43% where it was revealed and 23% for couples with no affair. Couples who stayed together did not differ in marital stability or satisfaction from other couples, and their satisfaction rose over time. [13] In the same trial, couples who revealed an affair before or during therapy started out more distressed but improved more in satisfaction than other couples. [14] A replicated case study of six couples tested an integrative treatment for affair recovery: most couples were less distressed at the end, and injured partners reported more forgiveness. [5]
What many therapists advise is that rebuilding trust takes time, honest answers from the person who broke it, and patience from both people. If you were betrayed, you are allowed to take your time and to decide what is right for you. If you were the one who broke trust, taking responsibility without excuses is the starting point. Our full guide to rebuilding trust after infidelity covers each stage in more detail.
What couples therapy offers
Couples therapy can help many couples. A meta-analysis of 30 randomised trials found behavioural marital therapy more effective than no treatment for distressed couples (d = .585) [7] Emotionally focused couples therapy, which works on attachment and the negative cycles couples get into, has also been tested in randomised trials, and a review by its developers described it as one of the most researched approaches. [8]
Therapy works best when both partners want to be there. It is not a way of deciding who is right. A good therapist helps you see the pattern you are in and try something different.
Staying or leaving
Nobody can tell you whether to stay. Some questions that may help: Do we both want to change? Have we tried something different from what we have always done, such as a therapist? Do I feel respected? Can I picture a better version of us? If you decide to separate, our guide to heartbreak and breakups can help with what comes next.
Conventional help
See a doctor or therapist if you feel low or anxious, if you are drinking or using more, or if the relationship is affecting your work or family life. A couples therapist can help you both, and our guides to conflict resolution and better communication have skills you can start on today. A therapist of your own can help if your partner will not come. Check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live. Directories for several countries are in Get help & sources.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for a long relationship to go through bad patches?
Yes. Reviews of longitudinal studies show that marital quality changes over time, and research describes a typical early decline after the honeymoon period. [9] [3] A rough patch is not a verdict.
How often should couples have sex?
There is no right number. In studies of 30,645 people, the link between sex and wellbeing levelled off at about once a week for people in relationships. [12] Focus on closeness and quality rather than a target.
Can a marriage survive an affair?
Many do. In one five-year study, couples who stayed together after an affair were as stable and satisfied as other couples. Openness mattered: couples where the affair was kept secret divorced far more often. [13] Our guide to rebuilding trust after infidelity has more.
Does couples therapy work?
Often, for distressed couples who both take part. A meta-analysis of 30 trials found behavioural marital therapy more effective than no treatment. [7]
How can we reconnect if we feel like housemates?
Try new things together, schedule a weekly check-in, and put phones away. In experiments, a short novel task raised rated relationship quality. [3] Mindfulness programmes for couples also helped in one trial. [4]
How long does it take to rebuild trust after an affair?
There is no set timetable. The Gottmans’ Trust Revival Method moves through three phases, atone, attune and attach, and each couple goes at its own pace. [6]
The best videos on marriage and long-term partnership
Hand-picked and checked one by one: researchers and therapists on lasting love, trust and desire, plus guided tapping.
Understand long relationships
Trust and repair
Tapping for love and relationships
Books on marriage and long-term partnership
Free resources
Experts to follow
Get help
Get professional help if the relationship is affecting your health, work or family life, or if there has been a betrayal you are finding hard to move past. A doctor can point you to local therapists, and many couples counsellors work online.
Find a therapist or counsellor
- US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
- UK: BACP therapist directory.
- Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
- Elsewhere: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.
This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.
Sources
- Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
- The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- Aron et al. (2000), Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 78(2):273-284
- Carson et al. (2004), Mindfulness-based relationship enhancement, Behavior Therapy 35(3):471-494
- Gordon, Baucom & Snyder (2004), An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 30(2):213-231
- The Gottman Institute, An International Affair: Exploring Infidelity across the Globe
- Shadish & Baldwin (2005), Effects of Behavioral Marital Therapy: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 73(1):6-14
- Johnson et al. (1999), Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges, Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 6(1):67-79
- Karney & Bradbury (1995), The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: a review of theory, method, and research, Psychological Bulletin 118(1):3-34
- Joel et al. (2020), Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 117(32):19061-19071
- Gottman & Levenson (2000), The timing of divorce: predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period, Journal of Marriage and Family 62(3):737-745
- Muise, Schimmack & Impett (2016), Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better, Social Psychological and Personality Science 7(4):295-302
- Marín, Christensen & Atkins (2014), Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following therapy, Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice 3(1):1-12
- Atkins et al. (2005), Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: optimism in the face of betrayal, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 73(1):144-150
Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 30 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.