Unrequited Love

About unrequited love

What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:

• What is unrequited love?
• How common it is
• Unrequited love in stories and songs
• Why it hurts so much
• Limerence
• Different kinds of unrequited love
• What the research shows
• Accepting how you feel
• Creating space
• Working with your thoughts
• Self-compassion
• When they are your friend
• Should you tell them?
• If you are the one who doesn’t feel the same
• What it can teach you
• Opening your heart again
• A simple 30-day plan
• How self-help methods fit in
• FAQs

What is unrequited love?

Unrequited love is love that is not returned. It might be a crush on a classmate or colleague, deep feelings for a close friend, love for someone who is already with another person, or love that continues after a partner has moved on. It can last a few weeks or many years. The longing, hope and disappointment can feel overwhelming, but they are a sign of your capacity to love deeply, and that capacity is a gift. You can find related guides in our Relationships hub.

How common it is

If you are going through this, you are in very good company. Researchers have found that unrequited love is a very common experience, especially in the teenage and young adult years. [3] In a classic study, Roy Baumeister and colleagues collected stories of unrequited love from both sides: from people who loved without being loved back and from people who were loved but did not return the feelings. Their work showed that the experience can be hard on both sides, and that it is something people everywhere recognise. [4] In Japan there is even a special word for one-sided love, kataomoi.

Unrequited love in stories and songs

Unrequited love has inspired some of the world’s greatest art. The Italian poet Dante loved Beatrice from afar and made her a guiding figure in his Divine Comedy, and Petrarch wrote hundreds of poems to Laura. The Arabic and Persian tale of Layla and Majnun, retold by the poet Nizami in the 12th century, tells of a love so intense that the young lover became known as Majnun, “the one possessed by love”. Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther made unrequited love the talk of Europe, and Edmond Rostand’s Cyrano de Bergerac showed a man who expressed his love through another’s words. From Bollywood songs to K-pop ballads and country music, people everywhere sing about loving someone who doesn’t love them back. These stories remind us that the feeling is deeply human and that people have always found ways through it.

Why it hurts so much

Love activates powerful systems in the brain. The anthropologist Helen Fisher and her colleagues scanned the brains of people who had recently been rejected in love while they looked at a photo of the person. They found activity in brain regions linked with reward, motivation and craving, the same systems involved in wanting something very much. [5] This helps explain why it can be so hard to stop thinking about someone, and why hope can feel so strong. Rejection also echoes physical pain. In a study led by Ethan Kross, people who had recently gone through an unwanted break-up showed activity in brain areas involved in physical pain when they looked at a photo of their former partner. [6] Your heartache is real, and it deserves care.

Limerence

The psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the word limerence in her 1979 book Love and Limerence to describe an intense state of romantic longing. Signs include constant thoughts about the person, reading meaning into small signals, highs when they seem interested, lows when they don’t, and a strong wish for the feelings to be returned. Limerence often feeds on uncertainty: a smile or message can keep hope alive for months. Understanding limerence can be a relief. It is a recognisable pattern, not a sign that this person is your only chance at love, and it naturally fades with time, distance and fresh experiences.

Different kinds of unrequited love

The crush from afar. Feelings for someone you know only a little, such as a classmate, colleague or public figure. These often live largely in imagination.

The friend. Feelings for a close friend who sees you as a friend. This can be especially tender because you value the friendship too.

The unavailable person. Feelings for someone who is in a relationship or not ready for one.

After a relationship. Loving a former partner who has moved on. Our guide to heartbreak and breakups has more on this.

The mixed signals. Someone who seems interested at times and distant at others. Uncertainty can make feelings stronger, so clarity is often the kindest gift you can give yourself.

What the research shows

Research points to several things that help. In a study by Sandra Langeslag and Michelle Sanchez, people who had been through a romantic break-up tried different strategies. Thinking about the other person’s less appealing qualities or the ways the relationship would not have worked reduced their feelings of love, while distraction, such as thinking about enjoyable things, lifted their mood. [2] The researchers suggest the strategies can be combined: gentle reappraisal to loosen the attachment and distraction to feel better. Self-compassion helps too. In a study by David Sbarra and colleagues, people who spoke about their separation with more self-compassion recovered emotionally more quickly over the following months. [1] Kristin Neff, a pioneer of self-compassion research, describes it as treating yourself with kindness, remembering that suffering is part of shared human experience and holding painful feelings with mindful awareness. [7] Kross’s research also shows that reflecting on painful experiences from a little distance, as an observer, can ease distress compared with going over them again and again. [8]

Accepting how you feel

Trying not to think about someone often makes you think about them more. A kinder approach is to accept the feelings: “I love them, and they don’t feel the same. That hurts, and it makes sense that it hurts.” Let yourself cry, write in a journal or listen to music that matches your mood. At the same time, accept the reality of their answer. Holding on to “maybe one day” can keep you stuck. Acceptance is not giving up on love; it is giving your heart permission to heal and find love that is returned.

Creating space

Distance helps feelings settle. If you can, spend less time with the person for a while. Mute or unfollow them on social media so you are not checking their updates. Move their messages out of sight, and resist the urge to look for signs or ask friends for news. Fill the space with things that absorb you: sport, music, creative projects, time with friends, learning something new or travel. Every hour spent fully involved in something else gives your mind a rest from longing. Our guide to loneliness and making friends has ideas for building connection.

Working with your thoughts

Unrequited love often comes with thoughts like “I’ll never find anyone like them” or “If they don’t want me, nobody will.” These thoughts feel true but are rarely accurate. Write them down and ask: Is this definitely true? What would I say to a friend thinking this? Try gently balancing the idealised picture of the person with a fuller one: what would everyday life with them really be like? What needs of yours were not being met? This kind of honest reflection helps the spell loosen. Our guide to overthinking has more tools.

Self-compassion

Being rejected in love can shake your sense of worth, but someone not returning your feelings does not mean you are unlovable. Attraction is shaped by timing, chemistry and circumstances you cannot control. Try placing a hand on your heart and saying: “This is really hard. Many people feel this way. May I be kind to myself.” The Greater Good Science Center offers a free self-compassionate letter exercise, in which you write to yourself as a loving friend would. Small acts of self-care, such as good sleep, nourishing food, movement and time outdoors, tell your nervous system that you are looked after. Our guide to self-love practices has more ideas.

When they are your friend

Loving a friend who doesn’t feel the same is common and can be handled with grace. Many people find it helps to take some time apart, then return to the friendship once the strongest feelings have eased. Be honest with yourself: if seeing them keeps hope alive, more distance may be kinder for now. Some friendships continue happily once romantic feelings fade, and some change. Either way, you can treasure what the friendship has given you. Our guide to setting boundaries can help you protect your heart while staying kind.

Should you tell them?

Telling someone how you feel can bring clarity and relief. If you choose to tell them, keep it simple and warm, without pressure: “I’ve realised I have feelings for you. I wanted to be honest, and I’ll understand whatever you feel.” Then listen to their answer and respect it. A clear answer, even a “no”, often helps you move forward faster than years of wondering. If they are in a relationship, consider whether sharing your feelings is fair to them and to you; sometimes the wiser path is to work through the feelings privately.

If you are the one who doesn’t feel the same

Baumeister’s research found that the person who does not return the feelings often struggles too, feeling guilty or unsure what to say. [4] If someone shares their feelings with you, the kindest response is clear and gentle: thank them for their honesty, say kindly that you don’t feel the same way, and avoid mixed signals that might keep hope alive. Clarity, given warmly, is a gift to both of you.

What it can teach you

Unrequited love can teach valuable lessons. It shows how deeply you can love. It may reveal patterns, such as being drawn to people who are unavailable, which are worth exploring. Our guide to anxious and avoidant attachment explains why some people find themselves in this pattern more often. It can clarify the qualities you most want in a partner and remind you that the love you deserve is love that is returned freely. Many people look back on unrequited love as a time of real growth, creativity and self-discovery.

Opening your heart again

There is no fixed timeline for healing, but feelings do fade, especially with space and new experiences. When you feel ready, meet new people through friends, clubs, classes or dating apps, without the pressure of finding “the one” straight away. Notice people who show interest and consistency. Love that is returned feels very different from longing: it feels steady, warm and reciprocal. Our guide to dating and finding a partner has practical ideas.

A simple 30-day plan

Week 1: Feel and accept. Let yourself grieve. Write an unsent letter. Tell a trusted friend.

Week 2: Create space. Mute or unfollow. Plan absorbing activities every day.

Week 3: Rebalance. Write down the reasons it would not have worked. Write a self-compassionate letter.

Week 4: Look forward. Try something new. Reconnect with friends. Write down the qualities you want in mutual love.

How self-help methods fit in

Several methods on this site can help you let go and heal. Ho’oponopono uses four warm phrases for releasing and finding peace. The Sedona Method asks simple questions such as “Could I let this go?”. EFT tapping combines naming the feeling with gentle tapping, and The Work of Byron Katie helps you question painful thoughts. Mindfulness and inner child healing offer more ways to care for yourself. You can see every method we cover in the full list above.

Frequently asked questions

How do I get over unrequited love?

Accept your feelings, create some distance, fill your time with absorbing activities, be kind to yourself and lean on friends.

Why does unrequited love hurt so much?

Love and rejection activate brain systems linked with reward, craving and pain. [5]

How common is unrequited love?

Very common, especially in the teenage and young adult years. [3]

What is limerence?

A term coined by Dorothy Tennov for an intense state of romantic longing, with constant thoughts about the person and strong hope for their love.

Can I stay friends with someone I love who doesn’t love me back?

Often yes, especially after some time apart while the strongest feelings settle.

Should I tell them how I feel?

Telling them simply and without pressure can bring clarity and help you move on. Respect their answer.

How long does it take to get over unrequited love?

It varies, but feelings ease with time, distance and self-compassion. [1]

The best videos on unrequited love

Hand-picked and checked one by one: TED talks from Guy Winch and Helen Fisher, The School of Life, Kristin Neff, Esther Perel and more.

Understanding unrequited love

Healing a broken heart

Self-compassion and moving on

Books on unrequited love

Free resources

Experts to follow

Get help

If the feelings stay intense for a long time, a counsellor can help you work through them.

Find a therapist or counsellor

• US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
• UK: BACP therapist directory.
• Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
• Elsewhere, including Europe and India: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.

This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Sources

1. Sbarra, Smith & Mehl (2012), When leaving your ex, love yourself: observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation, Psychological Science 23(3):261-269
2. Langeslag & Sanchez (2018), Down-regulation of love feelings after a romantic break-up: self-report and electrophysiological data, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 147(5):720-733
3. Bringle, Winnick & Rydell (2013), The prevalence and nature of unrequited love, SAGE Open 3(2)
4. Baumeister, Wotman & Stillwell (1993), Unrequited love: on heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptlessness, and humiliation, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 64(3):377-394
5. Fisher et al. (2010), Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love, Journal of Neurophysiology 104(1):51-60
6. Kross et al. (2011), Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain, PNAS 108(15):6270-6275
7. Neff (2003), Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself, Self and Identity 2(2):85-101
8. Kross, Ayduk & Mischel (2005), When asking “why” does not hurt: distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions, Psychological Science 16(9):709-715

Written by Saj Ali. Last updated 31 October 2026. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.