Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness, care and understanding you would offer a good friend when you are struggling, make a mistake or feel inadequate. Psychologist Dr Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, describes three elements: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness. It is a skill anyone can learn, and research links it with greater wellbeing and resilience.
Last updated: 5 November 2026
Reading time: about 8 minutes
How we wrote this article: this article was written by Saj Ali. It draws on the work of psychologist Dr Kristin Neff and published research, and every research claim links to its source.
Self-compassion in brief
- What it is. Giving yourself the kindness you would give a friend who is struggling.
- Three elements. Self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
- Pioneer. Psychologist Dr Kristin Neff, who first defined and measured it in 2003.
- Research. Linked with lower distress and greater motivation to improve.
- Try it. The three-step self-compassion break takes under a minute.
Contents
- What Is Self-Compassion?
- Kristin Neff’s Approach
- The Three Elements
- Self-Compassion vs Self-Esteem
- What the Research Says
- Simple Practices to Try
- Working With Your Inner Critic
- Self-Compassion in Everyday Life
- Ways to Learn More
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Key Takeaways
- Explore More on Self Help Supermarket
- Sources
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is compassion turned inwards. Dr Kristin Neff explains it simply: think of how you would respond to a close friend who is struggling. You notice their pain, you recognise that difficulty is part of being human, and you respond with warmth and a wish to help. Self-compassion is doing a “U-turn” and offering yourself the same care (Self-Compassion.org (Kristin Neff)).
It does not mean ignoring problems or letting yourself off the hook. Neff describes it as being supportive when you face a challenge, feel inadequate or make a mistake, and changing because you care about yourself, not because you feel worthless (Self-Compassion.org (Kristin Neff)).
Kristin Neff’s Approach
Dr Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a leading researcher on self-compassion. In 2003 she published the first academic definition of self-compassion and created the Self-Compassion Scale, which researchers around the world now use (Neff, 2003).
With psychologist Dr Christopher Germer, she developed Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), an eight-week programme that teaches self-compassion skills (Neff and Germer, 2013). Her books include Self-Compassion (2011) and Fierce Self-Compassion (2021), and her website offers free guided practices and a self-test (Self-Compassion.org (Kristin Neff)).
The Three Elements
Neff describes three elements of self-compassion, each with an opposite (Neff, 2003) (Self-Compassion.org (Kristin Neff)):
| Element | What it means | Its opposite |
|---|---|---|
| Self-kindness | Being warm and understanding towards yourself | Harsh self-judgement |
| Common humanity | Remembering that everyone struggles and makes mistakes | Feeling isolated, as if only you struggle |
| Mindfulness | Noticing painful feelings with balance, without ignoring or exaggerating them | Getting swept up in painful thoughts |
Self-Compassion vs Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is about how you evaluate yourself, and it can rise and fall with success, comparison and approval. Self-compassion does not depend on being better than others or on things going well; it is there for you especially when they do not. Neff proposed self-compassion as a healthy alternative way of relating to yourself that offers many of the benefits of high self-esteem (Neff, 2003). Our Self-Esteem page explores building confidence alongside self-kindness.
What the Research Says
A meta-analysis of 20 samples found a large association between higher self-compassion and lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress (MacBeth and Gumley, 2012).
In a randomised trial of the eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion programme, participants showed larger increases in self-compassion, mindfulness and wellbeing than a waitlist group, and the gains were maintained at six-month and one-year follow-ups (Neff and Germer, 2013).
A common worry is that self-compassion makes people complacent. Research suggests the opposite: in four experiments, people encouraged to be self-compassionate after a setback were more motivated to improve, made amends more readily and studied longer after a failed test (Breines and Chen, 2012).
Simple Practices to Try
Neff and Germer share many short practices (Self-Compassion.org (Kristin Neff)). Here are four easy ones to start with.
The self-compassion break
When something hurts, pause and say to yourself, silently or aloud:
- “This is a moment of difficulty.” (mindfulness)
- “Difficulty is part of life; other people feel this too.” (common humanity)
- “May I be kind to myself.” (self-kindness)
How would you treat a friend?
Write down what you would say to a friend in your situation. Then read it back to yourself, slowly.
Soothing touch
Place a hand on your heart, your cheek or your arm, and breathe slowly for a few breaths. Gentle touch can help your body feel cared for.
A self-compassionate letter
Write a short letter to yourself about something you find hard, from the point of view of a kind, wise friend. Our journaling guide has prompts to help.
Working With Your Inner Critic
- Notice the critical voice and give it a name, which creates a little distance.
- Ask what it is trying to protect you from; often it wants you to be safe or succeed.
- Thank it, then respond in a kinder voice that still supports your goal.
- Use phrases that feel true for you, like “I am learning” or “I am doing my best today”.
If high standards drive your inner critic, see Perfectionism; if guilt is the theme, see Self-Forgiveness and Guilt.
Self-Compassion in Everyday Life
- At work. After a mistake, name what happened, remind yourself that everyone gets things wrong, and focus on the next helpful step.
- In relationships. Being kinder to yourself can make it easier to listen without getting defensive and to apologise when needed.
- With your body. Thank your body for something it did today, rather than focusing on how it looks.
- As a parent. Parenting is hard for everyone. A moment of self-kindness after a stressful moment helps you return calmer.
- When you are tired or unwell. Ask, “What do I need right now?” and allow yourself rest.
- When learning something new. Expect to be a beginner, and celebrate small steps.
Small, regular moments add up. Many people find that a few seconds of kindness, several times a day, gradually changes the tone of their inner voice.
To explore her work, books and videos, see our profile of Dr Kristin Neff.
Ways to Learn More
- Free resources. Neff’s website offers guided meditations, exercises and the Self-Compassion Scale test (Self-Compassion.org (Kristin Neff)).
- Courses. The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion runs online and in-person MSC courses; its 10-week live online course is listed from $595 USD (Center for Mindful Self-Compassion).
- Related practices. Mindfulness, meditation and inner child healing all support a kinder inner voice.
- Everyday care. Our Self-Love Practices page has more simple ideas.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is self-compassion?
Treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend when you are struggling or make a mistake.
What are the three elements of self-compassion?
Kristin Neff describes self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
Who is Kristin Neff?
A psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin who first defined and measured self-compassion in 2003 and co-created the Mindful Self-Compassion programme.
Is self-compassion the same as self-esteem?
No. Self-esteem is about evaluating yourself; self-compassion is about caring for yourself, especially when things go wrong.
Does self-compassion make you lazy?
Research suggests it increases motivation. In four experiments, self-compassion after a setback increased motivation to improve.
How can I practise self-compassion?
Try the self-compassion break: acknowledge the difficulty, remember others feel it too, and offer yourself kindness.
Can self-compassion be learned?
Yes. In a randomised trial, an eight-week course increased self-compassion, with gains lasting a year.
Key Takeaways
- Self-compassion means offering yourself the kindness you would give a friend.
- Kristin Neff describes three elements: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.
- Higher self-compassion is linked with lower depression, anxiety and stress.
- An eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion course increased wellbeing, with lasting gains.
- Self-compassion supports motivation rather than complacency.
- The self-compassion break takes under a minute.
Explore More on Self Help Supermarket
Use these pages alongside this one:
- Self-Esteem – building confidence
- Perfectionism – easing impossible standards
- Self-Forgiveness and Guilt – letting go kindly
- Self-Love Practices – everyday self-care ideas
- Mindfulness – present-moment awareness
- Browse all self-help techniques – compare every method on Self Help Supermarket.
- Kristin Neff – the pioneer of self-compassion research
Sources
- Neff, K. What is self-compassion? Self-Compassion.org. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/b35787b9b21486d00458e85f8bcdf84d44e83c7c
- Neff, K. D., and Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the Mindful Self-Compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923
- MacBeth, A., and Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545-552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
- Breines, J. G., and Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
- Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. Ways to learn Mindful Self-Compassion. https://centerformsc.org/
Self Help Supermarket guides are for general information and are not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice.