If someone close to you has controlled, belittled or manipulated you, you may come away doubting your own mind. That is a common effect of this kind of abuse, not a sign that you are weak. Your safety comes first. Then there are many ways to heal, from tapping and inner child work to writing, therapy and support groups. Pick what’s going on for you and we’ll show you where to start.
What’s going on for you?
Three steps for now. Your safety comes before any healing work.
- Step 1 · Talk to a specialist
Domestic abuse services
A free, confidential domestic abuse service can help you plan for safety, especially before you leave.
- Step 2 · Steady your nerves
EFT Tapping
A quiet round of tapping on the fear, when you have a safe moment alone. About ten minutes.
- Step 3 · Keep contact flat
Grey rock
Short, dull, neutral replies give them less to push against. Not a safety plan on its own.
Not quite right? See every method for healing from narcissistic abuse
For when you can’t tell what was real any more.
- Step 1 · Write down what happened
Expressive writing
Twenty minutes on what happened and how it felt. Keep it somewhere private.
- Step 2 · Tap on the doubt
EFT Tapping
Follow along as you tap on “maybe I’m the problem”.
- Step 3 · Change the belief
Theta Healing
Find and replace beliefs such as “it was my fault”.
Not quite right? See every method for healing from narcissistic abuse
Missing someone who hurt you is common. It doesn’t mean you should go back.
- Step 1 · Close the door
No contact
Block, mute and stop checking their profiles. Plan it with a specialist if you fear their reaction.
- Step 2 · Tap through the pull
Thought Field Therapy
A short tapping sequence for the wave of longing or panic.
- Step 3 · Find your people
Support groups
Talk to others who have been through it and who believe you.
Not quite right? See every method for healing from narcissistic abuse
For when you want to rebuild yourself and break the pattern.
- Step 1 · Meet your younger self
Inner Child Healing
Look gently at old wounds that made this kind of love feel familiar.
- Step 2 · Break old family patterns
The Hoffman Process
A week-long course on the habits we learn from our parents.
- Step 3 · Work with a therapist
Trauma-informed therapy
Look for someone trauma-informed who understands emotional abuse.
Not quite right? See every method for healing from narcissistic abuse
Every method for healing from narcissistic abuse
Many alternative methods haven’t been studied much yet. That doesn’t mean they can’t help; it means there’s less evidence so far.
Tapping & energy work
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EFT Tapping
Tap on acupressure points while naming a feeling; a 2023 review of small trials found it eased PTSD symptoms. [6] Full guide
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Thought Field Therapy
Problem-specific tapping sequences designed to reset an emotional reaction in minutes.
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The Emotion Code
Identify and release ‘trapped emotions’ using muscle testing and a magnet.
Inner work, beliefs & patterns
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Inner Child Healing
Reconnect with and re-parent your younger self to heal old wounds.
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Theta Healing
A meditative process for finding and replacing limiting beliefs.
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The Hoffman Process
A seven-day residential course for breaking negative patterns learned in childhood.
Writing & protecting your space
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Expressive writing
Write about what happened and how it felt; it eased PTSD and depression symptoms in a small study of women who had left abusive partners. [8]
Everyday practice
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Grey rock
Be as dull as a grey rock: short, neutral, factual replies, with no emotion for them to react to. For contact you can’t avoid. [5]
Everyday practice
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No contact
Stop all contact you can: block numbers and accounts, don’t reply, don’t check up on them. If you share children, keep contact to the essentials.
Everyday practice
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Boundaries
Clear limits on what you will and won’t accept. See our setting boundaries hub.
More methods with their own hub and guide
Safety comes first. None of these can make an abusive person change or keep you safe. If you are in danger, get help before anything else.
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CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)
A structured talking therapy that works on unhelpful thoughts and behaviours. It is one of the best-studied therapies, with the strongest support for anxiety disorders, depression, anger and general stress. CBT-based therapies are used for trauma and PTSD. The guide covers what the evidence shows. Full guide
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Somatic Experiencing
A body-focused trauma therapy led by a trained practitioner. Research is promising but preliminary, and major PTSD guidelines do not recommend it first-line. Choose a practitioner with experience of abuse and trauma. Full guide
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Havening
Gentle self-touch while you recall a memory, aimed at easing stress and painful memories. Research is early: small studies, many involving its developers. Some people use it for painful memories. It is not a substitute for trauma therapy. Full guide
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Ho’oponopono
Traditionally a Hawaiian family process for repairing relationships; today also a four-phrase mantra. Direct research is very limited. The guide warns against using it to forgive, or “take responsibility” for, someone who is hurting you. Full guide
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The Work (Byron Katie)
Write down a stressful judgement, test it with four questions, then “turn it around”. Research is promising but small and mostly uncontrolled. Take extra care: the guide advises working with a licensed clinician if abuse or trauma is involved. Full guide
Conventional routes
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Domestic abuse services
Free, confidential help with safety planning. [1]
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Trauma-informed therapy
A therapist who understands trauma and emotional abuse can help you rebuild your sense of self. Search a directory in your country (the Get help tab has links), or ask your doctor or local health service. [4]
Support option
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Support groups
Peer groups, online or in person, with people who understand. Local abuse services often run them. [4]
Support option
Learn more
About healing from narcissistic abuse
What it is, why it happens and what helps. Contents:
- Your safety comes first
- What is “narcissistic abuse”?
- Common signs
- How it can affect you
- Why it’s so hard to leave or let go
- Grey rock and no contact, explained
- Steps to heal
- Conventional help
- Helping someone you’re worried about
- FAQs
Your safety comes first
If you are still in the relationship and you feel at risk, put safety before healing work.
Leaving is often the most dangerous period for survivors of abuse, because it threatens the control the abusive person has built, and they may retaliate. [1] So plan it. A specialist can help you make a safety plan. Confronting the person, or telling them you are going, can also raise the risk. Keep notes, messages and searches where they can’t see them.
Free, confidential help: if you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India). US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247. Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732. Canada: ShelterSafe lists shelters and provincial help lines. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com lists abuse and domestic violence helplines by country.
What is “narcissistic abuse”?
“Narcissistic abuse” is a popular term, not a clinical diagnosis. People use it for a pattern of manipulation, control and belittling, often from a partner, parent or boss who seems to lack empathy. The related phrase “narcissistic abuse syndrome” is not an official condition or diagnosis either; it is a non-medical way of describing the effects. [3]
Narcissistic personality disorder is a real diagnosis, but only a professional who assesses someone can make it. Having it does not necessarily mean a person will be abusive. [4] So you don’t need to work out whether the person “is a narcissist”. What matters is what they did and how it affected you. The World Health Organization counts psychological abuse and controlling behaviour as forms of partner violence, alongside physical and sexual harm. [2]
Common signs
People describe patterns such as: [4]
- Gaslighting: denying things happened, questioning your memory, or making light of your feelings.
- Control: over your money, phone, friends, time or choices.
- Emotional blackmail: guilt, threats or sulking to get their way.
- Exploitation and dishonesty: using you, and lying when it suits them.
Many people also describe a cycle of intense affection, then criticism and coldness, then affection again. That cycle can make it very hard to trust your own judgement.
How it can affect you
Common effects include low self-esteem and a reduced sense of self, self-doubt, isolation, depression, symptoms of post-traumatic stress, and physical symptoms. [4] Partner violence of any kind is linked with depression, post-traumatic stress, anxiety and poor sleep. [2]
If you feel anxious all the time, see our anxiety hub. If you can’t sleep, our sleep hub may help.
Why it’s so hard to leave or let go
Many people miss the person who hurt them, or go back several times. That is not stupidity. The good times were real to you, the bad times were confusing, and you may have been cut off from the people who would have helped. Fear is another reason: leaving can be dangerous. [1]
Be patient with yourself. Recovery is rarely a straight line. The methods on this page aim at the shame, longing and self-doubt that keep people stuck.
Grey rock and no contact, explained
No contact means stopping all the contact you can. Block their number and accounts, don’t reply, and stop checking up on them, including through mutual friends. It gives your nervous system a rest and breaks the cycle of hope and hurt. If you fear how they will react, plan it with a domestic abuse specialist first. [1]
Grey rock is for contact you can’t avoid, such as co-parenting, family events or work. You become as dull as a grey rock: short, neutral, factual replies, a flat tone, and no emotion for them to react to. A Cleveland Clinic psychologist calls it “a communication tool that involves being less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.” [5]
Be honest about its limits. Grey rock has not been studied much, and experts say it may calm some conflicts but is not a lasting solution. Some advise against it if someone might become violent, and it may not be safe to disengage completely from an abusive person you live with. [5] If you are unsure, talk to a specialist.
Steps to heal
- Get safe and get support. A specialist service, a trusted friend, or both.
- Name what happened. Learning about manipulation and control can make sense of the confusion. [4]
- Write it down. Expressive writing helped women who had left abusive partners in a small study. [8]
- Calm your body. Tapping, breathing and rest help with the fear that lingers. See our stress hub.
- Rebuild your sense of self. Reconnect with friends, hobbies and opinions that faded during the relationship.
- Set boundaries. For the future, and for anyone who still has a line to you. See our setting boundaries hub.
Conventional help
Seeing a counsellor or therapist, joining a support group, and looking after yourself are all recommended steps. Therapy can help people recover, regain their sense of self and rebuild their lives. [4] Look for a therapist who is trauma-informed and understands emotional abuse. The Get help tab lists directories and helplines for several countries, and domestic abuse services often run free groups. Many people combine conventional help with alternative approaches.
Helping someone you’re worried about
Listen and believe them. Don’t push them to leave or criticise the other person, which can make them defend the relationship. Remind them it isn’t their fault, and stay in touch, even if they go back. Let them know specialist help is there when they are ready. Related topics we plan to cover include coercive control, codependency and family estrangement.
Frequently asked questions
Was the person a narcissist?
Only a professional who assesses someone can say. You don’t need a label to know you were hurt, or to heal. [3]
Is it my fault?
No. Manipulation works on kind, intelligent people. Being targeted says more about the other person than about you.
Should I confront them?
Usually it doesn’t bring the answers people hope for, and with someone abusive it can raise the risk. Talk to a specialist first.
Do alternative methods help?
None has been tested for narcissistic abuse directly. EFT has small trials for PTSD and anxiety, which many survivors live with. [6] [7] Others, such as inner child work and belief work, are experience-based. Use them alongside, not instead of, safety and support.
How long does recovery take?
It varies a lot. Recovery may take time, but it is possible. [4]
The best videos on healing from narcissistic abuse
Hand-picked and checked one by one: explainers from Dr Ramani Durvasula, grey rock, and guided tapping.
Understand it
Limit contact
Tap through it
Videos are chosen by Self Help Supermarket and hosted on YouTube by their creators. They are for information and are not a substitute for professional care.
Books on healing from narcissistic abuse
Free resources
Experts to follow
Get help
See a doctor or therapist if you have flashbacks, panic, low mood or poor sleep that won’t lift, if self-help isn’t working.
Get help now, wherever you are
- If you are thinking about harming yourself, you are not alone and help is free. US: call or text 988. Canada: call or text 9-8-8. UK and Ireland: Samaritans, 116 123. Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14. India: Tele-MANAS, 14416. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India).
- Free, confidential help: if you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (911 in the US and Canada, 999 in the UK, 000 in Australia, 112 in the EU and India). US: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247. Australia: 1800RESPECT, 1800 737 732. Canada: ShelterSafe lists shelters and provincial help lines. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com lists abuse and domestic violence helplines by country.
Find a therapist or counsellor
- US and Canada: Psychology Today (US) and (Canada) directories.
- UK: BACP therapist directory.
- Australia: APS Find a Psychologist, and Relationships Australia for couple and family services.
- Elsewhere: ask your doctor or local health service for a referral, and check that anyone you see is registered or accredited where you live.
This hub is for information, not a substitute for medical or psychological care.
Sources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (US), Why people stay in an abusive relationship
- World Health Organization, Violence against women: fact sheet
- Psych Central, Signs of narcissistic abuse (medically reviewed by Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW, October 2024)
- Medical News Today, What is narcissistic abuse? (medically reviewed by Andy Watkins-McCall, MD, MPH; updated March 2026)
- Felton, ‘Gray rocking’ is a way to deal with difficult people (The Washington Post, 2025; republished by University of Michigan Psychology)
- Stapleton et al. (2023), EFT for treating post traumatic stress disorder: an updated systematic review and meta-analysis, Frontiers in Psychology
- Choi, Sung & Lee (2025), Emotional Freedom Techniques for anxiety disorders: a systematic review, Healthcare 13(17):2180
- Procaccia & Castiglioni (2022), Expressive writing and PTSD and depression symptoms in women victims of intimate partner violence, Frontiers in Psychology
Last reviewed 25 October 2026 by the Self Help Supermarket editorial team. Spotted an error? Tell us and we will fix it.