Esther Perel is a Belgian-born psychotherapist and author based in New York, best known for her work on desire, intimacy and modern relationships. [1] Her book Mating in Captivity has been translated into around 30 languages, and her podcast Where Should We Begin? lets listeners sit in on real couples’ sessions. [1] [2]
Who is Esther Perel?
Esther grew up in Antwerp, studied in Jerusalem and came to the United States for graduate school. She lives and practises in New York. [1]
For her first 20 years as a therapist she worked with couples and families in cultural transition, including refugees and intercultural couples. [1] She has said that her parents’ story shaped her outlook: they wanted not just to survive but to “revive”, and from them she learned the difference between “not being dead” and “being alive”. [1]
An article she wrote called “In Search of Erotic Intelligence” grew into her first book, Mating in Captivity, which explores how to keep desire alive in long-term love. [1] Her second book, The State of Affairs (2017), looks at modern relationships through the lens of trust and repair. [3]
Her TED talks have been watched by millions. [4] She hosts the podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?, and writes Letters from Esther. [2] [1]
Her approach in brief
- Make room for both. Security and adventure.
- Keep some mystery. Distance feeds desire.
- Stay curious. About yourself and your partner.
- Feel alive. Not just not dead.
At a glance
Known for: Mating in Captivity and her TED talks
Topics: Desire, intimacy, trust, modern love, work relationships
Format: Books, podcasts, talks and courses
Books: Mating in Captivity, The State of Affairs
YouTube: Esther Perel
Good fit if
You love your partner but want to feel more spark, or you’re curious about how modern relationships really work, at home and at work.
Our take
Thoughtful, warm and refreshingly honest. Start with her TED talk on desire, then listen to an episode of Where Should We Begin?
Esther Perel’s key ideas
These come from her books, talks and podcasts. Tap a card to read more.
Security and adventure
Esther’s central idea is that we bring two needs into love: a need for security (safety, reliability, belonging) and a need for adventure (novelty, mystery, surprise). [4]
Long-term relationships tend to grow strong on the first and lose sight of the second. Her work is about making room for both, rather than choosing between them. [4]
Desire needs space
In Mating in Captivity she suggests that desire often needs a little distance. In her TED talk she notes that people tend to feel most drawn to their partner when they see them confident and absorbed in something, in their element, a little separate from themselves. [4]
Her advice is not to create drama but to keep a sense of self, curiosity and play alongside closeness. [3]
Being alive
Esther often returns to a lesson from her parents: the difference between “not being dead” and “being alive”. [1]
For her, a good relationship and a good life involve vitality, playfulness and curiosity, not just stability. It is a question she invites readers and listeners to ask of themselves.
The State of Affairs
In The State of Affairs and her TED talk Rethinking Infidelity, Esther looks at broken trust with curiosity rather than judgement, asking what it reveals about longing, identity and modern expectations of love. [3] [4]
Her focus is on understanding and repair, and on how couples can build something new together afterwards.
Relational intelligence
Esther believes the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, and that this applies at work too. Her podcast How’s Work? brings the same curiosity to colleagues and co-founders. [2]
Her 2020 TED conversation on routines, rituals and boundaries offers simple ways to stay connected during stressful times. [4]
Videos with Esther Perel
Hand-picked and checked one by one: her TED talks, a talk on Mating in Captivity, and two podcast episodes.
Start here
More TED talks
From her own channel
Articles about Esther Perel
Esther Perel’s books
Esther’s books are published worldwide in many languages. These are the best places to start.
Find her books in your country: US · UK · Canada · Australia · India.
Where to learn more from her
Her podcasts are free on the main podcast apps, and her website lists her books, talks and online courses. [2] [1]
Her books, podcasts and courses are available worldwide, including the US, UK, Canada, Australia, Europe and India.
What the Research Shows
Esther Perel’s work is rooted in clinical practice rather than lab studies, but research supports her central point: the quality of our relationships shapes the quality of our lives.
- Connection. Strong social relationships were linked to a longer life. [5]
- Positive emotions broaden. Positive emotions widen attention and help people build lasting personal resources. [6]
Frequently asked questions
Who is Esther Perel?
A Belgian-born psychotherapist and author based in New York, known for her work on desire and modern relationships.
What is Mating in Captivity about?
How to keep desire alive in a long-term, committed relationship.
What is her podcast?
Where Should We Begin?, in which listeners hear real couples’ therapy sessions.
What is her main idea about desire?
That we need both security and adventure, and desire often needs a little space.
What is The State of Affairs?
Her 2017 book on trust, infidelity and repair.
Where did she grow up?
In Antwerp, Belgium.
Where should I start?
Watch her TED talk on desire, then try an episode of Where Should We Begin?
Sources
- Esther Perel: About
- Esther Perel: Where Should We Begin?
- Esther Perel: Books
- TED: Esther Perel
- Holt-Lunstad et al., Social Relationships and Mortality Risk, PLOS Medicine 2010
- Fredrickson, The Role of Positive Emotions in Positive Psychology: The Broaden-and-Build Theory, American Psychologist 2001
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