Drs John and Julie Gottman are American psychologists and the co-founders of The Gottman Institute, whose research on what makes relationships last is among the best known in the world. [1] John has spent 50 years studying thousands of couples, and together they created the Gottman Method used by couples therapists in many countries. [1] [2]
Who is John and Julie Gottman?
Dr John Gottman is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded the “Love Lab”, the research setting where much of his work on couples’ interactions was carried out. [1] He has studied thousands of couples over 50 years and is the author or co-author of more than 250 academic articles and over 50 books. [1] His honours include four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards, and he was named one of Psychotherapy Networker’s top 10 most influential therapists of the past quarter-century. [1]
Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman is a licensed clinical psychologist and educator. She co-created the Art and Science of Love weekend workshops for couples, co-designed the national clinical training programme in Gottman Couples Therapy, and co-created Loving Couples Loving Children. [1] She has been named Washington State Psychologist of the Year and, like John, has received the Psychotherapy Networker Lifetime Achievement Award. [1]
Together they founded The Gottman Institute and Affective Software, Inc., and wrote best-sellers including Eight Dates, The Love Prescription and Fight Right. [1] John’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work remains one of the most widely read relationship books. [1]
Their approach, the Gottman Method, is designed to support couples across all economic, racial, sexual orientation and cultural groups, and is taught to therapists worldwide. [2]
Their approach in brief
- Spot the Horsemen. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.
- Use the antidotes. Gentle start-up, appreciation, responsibility, self-soothing.
- Turn towards bids. Notice small requests for connection.
- Keep the ratio. Five positives for every negative.
At a glance
Known for: The Four Horsemen and the Love Lab
Topics: Conflict, trust, friendship, intimacy, parenting
Format: Books, workshops, therapy and training
Books: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Eight Dates, Fight Right
YouTube: The Gottman Institute
Good fit if
You want practical, research-based ways to argue less harmfully, feel closer and keep friendship alive in a long-term relationship.
Our take
Clear, practical and grounded in decades of observation. Start with the Four Horsemen and their antidotes, then try turning towards each other’s bids for a week.
The Gottmans’ key ideas
These come from The Gottman Institute’s research and books. Tap a card to read more.
The Four Horsemen
John’s research identified four ways of communicating during conflict that are especially damaging. He named them the Four Horsemen: [3]
- Criticism: attacking your partner’s character rather than the behaviour.
- Contempt: sarcasm, mockery or eye-rolling that communicates superiority.
- Defensiveness: making excuses or counter-attacking instead of listening.
- Stonewalling: shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation.
Recognising them is the first step to replacing them. [3]
The antidotes
Each horseman has an antidote: [4]
- Gentle start-up instead of criticism: talk about your feelings using “I” and express a positive need.
- A culture of appreciation instead of contempt: regularly express fondness and respect.
- Taking responsibility instead of defensiveness, even for part of the problem.
- Physiological self-soothing instead of stonewalling: take a break of at least 20 minutes, then come back.
Bids for connection
A bid is any attempt to get a partner’s attention, interest or affection, from a comment about the weather to a hand on the shoulder. [5]
Partners can turn towards a bid, turn away from it or turn against it. The Gottmans’ research found that couples who stayed together turned towards each other’s bids far more often than couples who later separated. [5]
The 5:1 ratio
The Gottmans call it the “magic ratio”: in stable, happy relationships there are about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. [6]
The point isn’t to avoid disagreement. It is to make sure warmth, interest, humour and appreciation outweigh the hard moments. [6]
Love maps
A love map is the part of your mind where you store information about your partner’s world: their worries, hopes, friends, stresses and dreams. [7]
Building love maps means asking open-ended questions and keeping up with each other as you both change over time. It is the first level of the Sound Relationship House. [7]
The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans describe a strong relationship as a house with seven levels and two load-bearing walls, trust and commitment: [7]
- Build love maps.
- Share fondness and admiration.
- Turn towards instead of away.
- The positive perspective.
- Manage conflict.
- Make life dreams come true.
- Create shared meaning.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy is built around this framework. [2]
Videos with John and Julie Gottman
Hand-picked and checked one by one, mostly from The Gottman Institute’s own channel, plus longer interviews.
Start here
The Four Horsemen in action
Building a lasting relationship
Long interviews
Articles about John and Julie Gottman
John and Julie Gottman’s books
The Gottmans’ books are published worldwide. These are the best places to start.
Find their books in your country: US · UK · Canada · Australia · India.
Where to learn the Gottman Method
The Gottman Institute runs the Art and Science of Love workshop for couples, online programmes, and professional training for therapists. You can also find a Gottman-trained therapist through the Gottman Referral Network. [2]
Gottman-trained therapists and workshops are available in many countries, including the US, UK, Canada, Australia, Europe and India, and many sessions run online.
What the Research Shows
John Gottman’s own studies are the foundation of the Gottman Method, and other researchers have looked at why close relationships matter.
- Predicting how couples fare. In a long-term study, the way couples talked during conflict, including criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, was linked to whether they stayed together. [8]
- Positive moments matter. Couples who stayed happy had far more positive than negative exchanges during conflict, which the Gottmans describe as the 5 to 1 ratio. [6]
- Connection. Strong social relationships were linked to a longer life. [9]
Frequently asked questions
Who are John and Julie Gottman?
American psychologists and co-founders of The Gottman Institute, known for research on what makes relationships last.
What are the Four Horsemen?
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling: four conflict habits the Gottmans’ research links to relationship breakdown.
What are the antidotes?
Gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility and physiological self-soothing.
What is a bid for connection?
Any attempt to get a partner’s attention, interest or affection.
What is the 5:1 ratio?
About five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict in stable relationships.
What is the Love Lab?
The research setting John founded at the University of Washington to observe couples.
Which Gottman book should I read first?
Many readers start with The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Sources
- The Gottman Institute: John and Julie Gottman
- The Gottman Institute: The Gottman Method
- The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen
- The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes
- The Gottman Institute: Paying Attention to Bids
- The Gottman Institute: The Magic Relationship Ratio
- The Gottman Institute: The Sound Relationship House, Love Maps
- Gottman and Levenson, Marital processes predictive of later dissolution, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1992
- Holt-Lunstad et al., Social Relationships and Mortality Risk, PLOS Medicine 2010
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