Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person repeatedly makes another question their own memory, perceptions or sanity. Over time it can lead to confusion, self-doubt, lower confidence and reliance on the person doing it. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptation. With support and practical steps, people can and do rebuild trust in themselves.
Last updated: 5 November 2026
Reading time: about 10 minutes
How we wrote this article: this article was written by Saj Ali. It draws on dictionary definitions, World Health Organization guidance and published research, and every research claim links to its source.
Gaslighting in brief
- What it is. Repeated manipulation that makes you doubt your own memory, feelings or judgement.
- Origin. The 1938 play Gas Light and the film based on it.
- Where it happens. Most often discussed in close relationships, but also at work, in families and elsewhere.
- Key sign. You feel confused and keep apologising, even when you are not sure what you did.
- Recovery. Writing things down, trusted support and firm boundaries help you trust yourself again.
Contents
- What Is Gaslighting?
- Where the Word Comes From
- Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse
- Common Signs of Gaslighting
- Examples: Phrases Often Used in Gaslighting
- Where Gaslighting Can Happen
- Why Gaslighting Is So Confusing
- Is It Gaslighting or a Normal Disagreement?
- How to Recover and Trust Yourself Again
- Life After Gaslighting
- Help a Friend Who May Be Gaslighted
- Getting Support
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Key Takeaways
- Explore More on Self Help Supermarket
- Sources
What Is Gaslighting?
Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period, that causes them to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality or memories. It typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty about their emotional or mental stability, and dependence on the person doing it (Merriam-Webster, 2022).
Gaslighting is different from an ordinary disagreement. Two people can remember the same event differently, and that is normal. Gaslighting is a repeated pattern in which one person consistently denies, rewrites or dismisses the other person’s reality, often to gain control or avoid responsibility.
Where the Word Comes From
The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and the film based on it. In the story, a husband tries to convince his wife that she is losing her mind. His activities in the attic make the gas lights in the house dim, but he insists that the lights are not changing and that she cannot trust her own perceptions (Merriam-Webster, 2022).
The word has become widely used. Merriam-Webster named gaslighting its Word of the Year for 2022, reporting a 1740% increase in lookups that year (Merriam-Webster, 2022). Its wider modern use, meaning grossly misleading someone for personal advantage, is broader than the original meaning in close relationships, which is the focus of this guide.
Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse
The World Health Organization describes intimate partner violence as behaviour by a partner or ex-partner that causes physical, sexual or psychological harm, including psychological abuse and controlling behaviours (WHO). Gaslighting is one way psychological abuse and control can show up.
Sociologist Paige Sweet, who studied the life stories of women attending domestic violence support groups, describes gaslighting as an attempt to create a “surreal” environment by making the other person seem or feel “crazy”. She found that it does the most damage in relationships with unequal power, where it can erode a person’s sense of reality, independence, identity and social support (Sweet, 2019). For a wider look, see our guide to emotional abuse.
Common Signs of Gaslighting
No single moment proves gaslighting. Look for a pattern over time. Common signs include:
- You often second-guess your memory of conversations or events.
- You feel confused or “foggy” after talking with a particular person.
- You apologise frequently, even when you are not sure what you did wrong.
- Your feelings are regularly described as overreactions or as “too sensitive”.
- You have started keeping notes or screenshots just to feel sure of what happened.
- You make excuses for the other person’s behaviour to friends and family.
- You feel you can no longer make simple decisions without checking with them.
- You feel more isolated from people who used to support you.
- You feel you were once a more confident, relaxed person.
Examples: Phrases Often Used in Gaslighting
These phrases are not harmful on their own; most people say something like them occasionally. They become a concern when they are used repeatedly to deny your experience or shut down a conversation.
| Phrase | What it can do |
|---|---|
| “That never happened.” | Denies an event you clearly remember |
| “You’re too sensitive.” | Turns attention from the behaviour to your reaction |
| “You’re imagining things.” | Suggests your perceptions cannot be trusted |
| “Everyone agrees with me.” | Makes you feel alone and outnumbered |
| “I was only joking.” | Dismisses hurt without taking responsibility |
| “You’re remembering it wrong again.” | Builds a story that your memory is unreliable |
| “You’re crazy.” | Attacks your stability rather than the issue |
Where Gaslighting Can Happen
- Romantic relationships. The setting most often studied, where emotional closeness and shared lives can make it harder to see (Sweet, 2019).
- Families. A parent, sibling or relative may deny past events or dismiss feelings over many years.
- Friendships. A friend may repeatedly rewrite what was said or done.
- Work. A manager or colleague may deny agreements, move goalposts or question your competence.
- Health care. Some patients use the phrase “medical gaslighting” to describe feeling that their symptoms were dismissed (Merriam-Webster, 2022).
Why Gaslighting Is So Confusing
Gaslighting usually develops slowly. It often sits alongside warm, kind moments, which makes it hard to believe that something is wrong. Over time, self-doubt can grow quietly until you rely on the other person’s version of events more than your own.
This is not a sign of weakness. Anyone can be affected, especially when they care about the other person, depend on them in some way, or have been taught to put others first. Sweet’s research highlights how gaslighting draws on wider social pressures and stereotypes, which helps explain why it can feel so convincing (Sweet, 2019).
Is It Gaslighting or a Normal Disagreement?
| Healthy disagreement | Possible gaslighting |
|---|---|
| Both people can say “I might be wrong” | One person is never wrong |
| Feelings are heard, even if views differ | Feelings are mocked or dismissed |
| Conversations end with more clarity | Conversations leave you more confused |
| It happens now and then | It is a repeated pattern |
| You still trust your own memory | You increasingly doubt yourself |
How to Recover and Trust Yourself Again
Recovery is about rebuilding confidence in your own perceptions, step by step. These practical steps can help:
Write things down
Keep a private, dated record of events, conversations and how you felt. Reading it back can help you see patterns clearly and trust your memory. Store it somewhere only you can access.
Find trusted reality checks
Talk with a friend, family member or professional you trust. Hearing an outside view helps restore balance. Gaslighting often works by isolating people, so reconnecting matters.
Set calm boundaries
- “I remember it differently, and I’m not going to argue about my memory.”
- “I’m happy to talk when we can both listen.”
- “My feelings are valid, even if you see it another way.”
Ground yourself in the present
Simple mindfulness practices, such as noticing your breath or naming five things you can see, can help you reconnect with your own senses and steady strong emotions. A regular meditation practice can support calm, clear thinking.
Be kind to yourself
Many people blame themselves for “not seeing it sooner”. Remind yourself that gaslighting is designed to be hard to see. Treat yourself with the patience you would give a good friend.
Get professional support
A counsellor or therapist, especially one experienced in emotional abuse, can help you make sense of what happened, rebuild self-trust and plan next steps.
Life After Gaslighting
Many people describe recovery as getting their own voice back. Over time, it becomes easier to make decisions, trust your instincts and notice early warning signs in new relationships. If the relationship has ended, you may notice a strong pull to return, even when you know it was not good for you. Our guide to trauma bonds and leaving toxic relationships explains why this happens and how to move forward, and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse offers further steps for recovery.
Healing is rarely a straight line. Small signs of progress, such as trusting a decision without checking with anyone, saying no calmly, or enjoying time with friends again, are worth noticing and celebrating.
Help a Friend Who May Be Gaslighted
- Listen without judgement and believe their experience.
- Avoid criticising the other person directly, which can make your friend defensive.
- Gently share what you notice: “You seem less sure of yourself lately.”
- Stay in touch, even if they pull away for a while.
- Respect their choices and remind them they deserve to feel safe and respected.
Getting Support
If you ever feel unsafe, contact your local emergency services or a domestic abuse support service in your country.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is gaslighting in simple terms?
Gaslighting is repeated manipulation that makes someone doubt their own memory, perceptions or feelings, often so the other person can gain control.
Where does the word gaslighting come from?
From the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptation, in which a husband tries to convince his wife she is imagining the dimming gas lights.
What are common gaslighting phrases?
Examples include “That never happened”, “You’re too sensitive” and “You’re imagining things”, when used repeatedly to deny your experience.
Is gaslighting a form of abuse?
It can be. The World Health Organization includes psychological abuse and controlling behaviours in its description of intimate partner violence.
Can gaslighting happen at work?
Yes. It can happen in any relationship where one person repeatedly denies agreements, rewrites events or questions your competence.
How do you recover from gaslighting?
Keep a written record, reconnect with trusted people, set calm boundaries, practise grounding, and consider support from a counsellor.
How is gaslighting different from a disagreement?
In a healthy disagreement both people can listen and admit they might be wrong. Gaslighting is a repeated pattern that leaves one person doubting their reality.
Key Takeaways
- Gaslighting is repeated manipulation that makes you doubt your own memory and judgement.
- The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptation.
- It was Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year for 2022.
- It is about a pattern over time, not a single disagreement.
- Writing things down and talking with trusted people helps restore clarity.
- Recovery is possible, and self-trust grows with each small step.
Explore More on Self Help Supermarket
Use these pages alongside this one:
- Emotional Abuse – recognising the signs
- Healing from Narcissistic Abuse – steps for recovery
- Trauma Bonds and Leaving Toxic Relationships – why leaving feels hard
- Mindfulness – grounding in the present
- Meditation – calm and clarity
- Browse all self-help techniques – compare every method on Self Help Supermarket.
Sources
- Merriam-Webster. (2022). Word of the Year 2022: Gaslighting. https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/word-of-the-year-2022
- World Health Organization. Violence against women: fact sheet. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women
- Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875. https://www.asanet.org/wp-content/uploads/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf
Self Help Supermarket guides are for general information and are not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice.